John Dalton, American philosopher and bouncer, passed away yesterday following a two-year battle with pancreatic cancer. Dalton received a Bachelor of Arts degree in Philosophy from New York University in 1974. Dalton's stoic manner won him fame in the international bouncer community such that bar owners would actively recruit him to act as a "cooler" in their establishments. Even an incident in a Memphis nightclub, in which Dalton allegedly ripped out a violent patron's throat, could not damage his sterling reputation. His guiding principle, "be nice until it's time to not be nice," won him many friends and, unfortunately, no few enemies. Dalton is perhaps best known as the author of the critically lauded treatise Man's Search for Faith: That Sort of Shit, and as the bouncer who cleaned up the Double Deuce, an infamous roadhouse in Jasper, Missouri, and in the process removed the town from gangster Brad Wesley's stranglehold.
Dalton's last words were reportedly "pain don't hurt," uttered to reassure Dr. Elizabeth Clay, his surviving wife, and the shimmering ghost of Sam Elliot that he was not suffering. In lieu of flowers, donations should be made to the Riverside Shirtless Tai Chi Foundation.
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