Dear Jill and Kevin,
Congratulations on your wedding and the commencement of your fifteen minutes of fame. I have been forwarded a link to your wedding dance at least five times in the past two days:
Each time, it was recommended to me as "genius" or "hilarious" and, to my surprise after watching it, not "ridiculous." It could just be me--I once was in a wedding wherein the DJ asked the members of the wedding party to "dance [their] asses off" on the way into the reception. I walked quickly to the bar, eyes on the floor. So, Jill and Kevin, maybe dancing while large groups of people are watching is just not my thing. In fact, I know it isn't--I told my wife that if she had suggested we do anything even remotely close to what you guys did, I would have to consider our entire relationship. "I'm about to marry someone who would consider dancing down the aisle on her wedding day? I THINK NOT! You, madam, are a FRAUD!"
But I digress. I want to say thank you for the grins you have provided me with. Not with your hilariously irreverent dancing (I can see the reactions of your assorted guests: "Whaa?! Dancing? To a famous R&B hit? At a WEDDING CEREMONY! It's too delightfully zany for words!" I also like to imagine one of your uncles, a snoot in a top hat, dropping his monocle in startled surprise, clutching at the lapel of his double-breasted tuxedo and shouting "Well, I never!", one of your aunts coming down with a case of the vapors, and Jill's father, who looks suspiciously like Jerry Orbach, shedding a single tear, finally letting his daughter go and "getting down" with that newfangled music the kids are listening to these days), but for your decision to do so while accompanied by the strains of "Forever" by CHRIS EFFIN BROWN! Yes, that Chris Brown, noted pugilist and women's rights activist. And my wife thought "God Only Knows" would be an inappropriate wedding song. I guess she was right--nothing says true love forever like dancing to a song by a notorious lady beater.
So, thanks again, guys. And Jill--remember to check your tone. Kevin keeps it real.
Your friend,
Ben
Showing posts with label easy targets. Show all posts
Showing posts with label easy targets. Show all posts
Friday, July 24, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
Lying
I was fooling around on The Onion while I should have been summarizing medical documents when I came across an old chestnut entitled "Zing! I Just Got You With Another One of My Trademark 'Complete Lies'". It's about a guy who thinks it's funny to make stuff up and tell it to people like it's the truth for his personal amusement. That makes me laugh, mainly because I do something similar: I think it's funny to make stuff up and tell it to people like it's the truth for my personal amusement. I've never been as malicious as ol' Philip Wynegar--I've never told the office's janitors that they're getting a huge raise, for example--but here are a few of my favorites.
1. One day while heading into the Caf at Samford, for some reason I decided to tell our whole table that I had just read online that Bono had pledged to buy everyone in Africa an iPod. Like many celebrities, Bono enjoys hollow, empty gestures but disdains doing something that would actually help, so this sounded plausible. People thought I was serious. Then got seriously pissed at Bono.
2. At UK home basketball games, as at many sporting events, groups of people throw t-shirts into the crowd during time-outs. At UK, they are from Qdoba, and the t-shirts are wrapped tightly in tin foil. I used to tell Lynn that they were throwing burritos. I forgot all about that until one game when Lynn asked me, "Doesn't it seem like one of those burritos would eventually burst open and make a huge mess?"
3. Every time the song "The First Cut is the Deepest" comes on, I tell Lynn that it's about losing one's virginity. Okay, that's not a lie--I really do think that's what that song is about, but Lynn vehemently disagrees.
4. This is a lie, though--I've told many people that John Cougar Mellencamp wrote the song "Hurts So Good" about his love of, uh, allowing a lady friend access to the backdoor, if you catch my drift. Wink wink nudge nudge, say no more.
I can't think of any other specific examples but I would guess I do it at least once a day. It doesn't really translate at work.
1. One day while heading into the Caf at Samford, for some reason I decided to tell our whole table that I had just read online that Bono had pledged to buy everyone in Africa an iPod. Like many celebrities, Bono enjoys hollow, empty gestures but disdains doing something that would actually help, so this sounded plausible. People thought I was serious. Then got seriously pissed at Bono.
2. At UK home basketball games, as at many sporting events, groups of people throw t-shirts into the crowd during time-outs. At UK, they are from Qdoba, and the t-shirts are wrapped tightly in tin foil. I used to tell Lynn that they were throwing burritos. I forgot all about that until one game when Lynn asked me, "Doesn't it seem like one of those burritos would eventually burst open and make a huge mess?"
3. Every time the song "The First Cut is the Deepest" comes on, I tell Lynn that it's about losing one's virginity. Okay, that's not a lie--I really do think that's what that song is about, but Lynn vehemently disagrees.
4. This is a lie, though--I've told many people that John Cougar Mellencamp wrote the song "Hurts So Good" about his love of, uh, allowing a lady friend access to the backdoor, if you catch my drift. Wink wink nudge nudge, say no more.
I can't think of any other specific examples but I would guess I do it at least once a day. It doesn't really translate at work.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Quote of the Day:
"I'm sure Shakespeare was hilarious back then, but today he sure is confusing."
~Aspen, 18
~Aspen, 18
Thursday, March 12, 2009
American Idol is "for the birds"! ZING!
Lynn loves American Idol so much that she gets mad at me when I make fun of it. Even she found Megan's performance this week a bit ridiculous. And by "a bit," I mean "extremely."
Megan, the be-tatted single mother from Utah, decided to sing "Rockin' Robin" during Michael Jackson night (technically, he did sing it, but really, Megan, that's the song you pick on Michael Jackson night?). Her red dress matched the song quite well, as did her ad-libbed coda. Take a look at this (the money moment is at about 3:12 if you don't want to wade through the bland):
In case you're at work, here's a quick transcript:
Megan: "...oh rockin' robin well you really gonna rock toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! Caw! Caw!"
That's right. Caw. Lynn and I both about fell in the floor laughing. I've watched it fifteen times in the last ten minutes and it never gets old.
Not surprisingly, given how most of the judges treat the contestants with kid gloves, none of the judges took a shot at her for this, despite it being almost as ridiculous as some of the antics the early-season rejects pull. Kara Dioguardi's comment should have been, "I hope that you do some things in the future that show some falsetto, show some range, AND MAKE FEWER EFFIN BIRD NOISES!"
Or maybe she was calling Simon out for being a chicken, Arrested Development style:
She'd fit right in.
Megan, the be-tatted single mother from Utah, decided to sing "Rockin' Robin" during Michael Jackson night (technically, he did sing it, but really, Megan, that's the song you pick on Michael Jackson night?). Her red dress matched the song quite well, as did her ad-libbed coda. Take a look at this (the money moment is at about 3:12 if you don't want to wade through the bland):
In case you're at work, here's a quick transcript:
Megan: "...oh rockin' robin well you really gonna rock toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! Caw! Caw!"
That's right. Caw. Lynn and I both about fell in the floor laughing. I've watched it fifteen times in the last ten minutes and it never gets old.
Not surprisingly, given how most of the judges treat the contestants with kid gloves, none of the judges took a shot at her for this, despite it being almost as ridiculous as some of the antics the early-season rejects pull. Kara Dioguardi's comment should have been, "I hope that you do some things in the future that show some falsetto, show some range, AND MAKE FEWER EFFIN BIRD NOISES!"
Or maybe she was calling Simon out for being a chicken, Arrested Development style:
She'd fit right in.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
American Idol: Public Policy Edition
Ryan Seacrest: It’s Hollywood night here on American Idol! We’ve got the best and the brightest here with us, ready to make this country a better place! Everyone, take a look at Simon—look at that sweater. Simon, did you beat up a lady in the petite section at Macy’s to get that sweater?
Simon Cowell: Very funny. Nice haircut, nancy.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Simon: What? He looks like quite the gay!
Ryan: Alright, settle down everyone. Settle down. Simon kids because he loves—and, by the way, Simon, it takes one to know one.
(Paula Abdul laughs and falls from her chair)
(Kara DioGuardi neither adds nor detracts from the exchange)
Randy Jackson: Aw, naw, dog! Simon, word word word! Simon. Si-MON. You gonna take that nonsense!
Ryan: Alright, let’s move on before Randy runs out of ways to emphasize different syllables in someone's name. Please welcome our first contestant, Jim Richards, C.E.O. of Countrywide Mortgage!
Jim: Thank you, thank you all, what UP! Anyway, here’s the deal: how many of you want a badass house looking like it came straight outta Cribs? Huh? I heard that! But. How many of you don’t really have much saved up for a down payment? No problemo, friends! We’ve developed loans where you don’t need a down payment! And, being the nice guy that I am, I’ll let you pay ONLY interest! For as long as you want! And your home will only go UP in value! What could possibly go wrong?!
(Crowd cheers ecstatically)
Ryan: Judges?
Randy: Aight aight aight! Jimmy Rich, Ji-mmy RICH, check it out, baby, check it out! First off, way to bring the HEAT and the NOISE baby! You’re trying to shake things up, and I like it! You need to work on your slang though, dog. “No problemo”? That’s not how the kids talk on the STREETS, baby! Otherwise, I loved it. You’re going a long way.
Kara: I love your look. Navy blue suit, tasteful white pinstripes, power tie. That screams, “I know more than you do about this, so just go along with it!” Very nice! Paula?
Paula: Welljim, youknow, astound gratomee! Canoo gimme gardtower to shoo off suicide fans? And a panic room for whena pills wear off?
Jim: Sure! Panic rooms TRIPLE the value of your home!
(Crowd goes wild)
Randy: Uh-oh, here comes the buzzkill. Simon…
Simon: I’m going to be honest, Jim. I HATED it.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Randy: (Yelling over the crowd) Don’t listen to him, Jimmdogg!
Simon: Come on now, I’m the judge! This is what a judge is supposed to do! Anyway, how can you think that plan has any basis whatsoever in reality? You’re giving borrowers zero equity. You’re setting them, and your company, up for massive ruin!
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ryan: Wow, that was harsh! But, it’s just Simon. No one listens to him. He’s a negative jerkoff. Well, let’s bring up our next contestant. Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense!
Donald Rumsfeld: Thank you, Ryan. As you may know, terrorists HATE America. Most terrorists are Muslims. There are bunches—bunches!—of Muslims in Iraq. Ipso facto, let’s invade Iraq. We’d only need to send, like, a hundred thousand troops. Baghdad will fall in a week or so, then it’s smoooooooooth sailing from there!
(Crowd eats it up)
Ryan: Judges?
Randy: Do-NNY Boy! I’d call you Rummy, but that’s what we call Paula! (High fives Paula, who falls over, giggling). Aight, seriously though, seriously. Check this out, baby. Check this out. I liked it, Donald. Nothing flashy—just laying it all out there. Can’t see anything wrong with your logic. And, dog, if you can get Paula dancing, you know you’re doing something right!
Donald: Actually, I think she might be having a seizure.
Ryan: Don’t worry about it. Simon?
Simon: Donald. As usual, I have to disagree with Randy. It was HORR-ible.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Randy: (Yelling) How you like that, Simon?!? YOU’RE NOT BELOVED BY A LARGE CROWD OF TEENAGERS!
Simon: Come now! We can’t have this outburst from you lot every time I say something negative in the slightest! Anyway. Where did you get that figger from? One hundred thousand? Didn’t we talk about this during your auditions? Didn’t we say we need something closer to a half million for any form of extended occupation and to fight what’s sure to be a fierce resistance movement? I thought you were going to work on this! And, I HATE the militry jacket. Those patches. They’re quite ostentatious.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ryan: Oooooooo-KAY, the crowd hates Simon. What else is new--he’s an asshole! If you like Donald, be sure to text the number 2 to 45308.
(Donald makes faces at the camera while holding up two fingers in different and zany ways)
Simon Cowell: Very funny. Nice haircut, nancy.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Simon: What? He looks like quite the gay!
Ryan: Alright, settle down everyone. Settle down. Simon kids because he loves—and, by the way, Simon, it takes one to know one.
(Paula Abdul laughs and falls from her chair)
(Kara DioGuardi neither adds nor detracts from the exchange)
Randy Jackson: Aw, naw, dog! Simon, word word word! Simon. Si-MON. You gonna take that nonsense!
Ryan: Alright, let’s move on before Randy runs out of ways to emphasize different syllables in someone's name. Please welcome our first contestant, Jim Richards, C.E.O. of Countrywide Mortgage!
Jim: Thank you, thank you all, what UP! Anyway, here’s the deal: how many of you want a badass house looking like it came straight outta Cribs? Huh? I heard that! But. How many of you don’t really have much saved up for a down payment? No problemo, friends! We’ve developed loans where you don’t need a down payment! And, being the nice guy that I am, I’ll let you pay ONLY interest! For as long as you want! And your home will only go UP in value! What could possibly go wrong?!
(Crowd cheers ecstatically)
Ryan: Judges?
Randy: Aight aight aight! Jimmy Rich, Ji-mmy RICH, check it out, baby, check it out! First off, way to bring the HEAT and the NOISE baby! You’re trying to shake things up, and I like it! You need to work on your slang though, dog. “No problemo”? That’s not how the kids talk on the STREETS, baby! Otherwise, I loved it. You’re going a long way.
Kara: I love your look. Navy blue suit, tasteful white pinstripes, power tie. That screams, “I know more than you do about this, so just go along with it!” Very nice! Paula?
Paula: Welljim, youknow, astound gratomee! Canoo gimme gardtower to shoo off suicide fans? And a panic room for whena pills wear off?
Jim: Sure! Panic rooms TRIPLE the value of your home!
(Crowd goes wild)
Randy: Uh-oh, here comes the buzzkill. Simon…
Simon: I’m going to be honest, Jim. I HATED it.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Randy: (Yelling over the crowd) Don’t listen to him, Jimmdogg!
Simon: Come on now, I’m the judge! This is what a judge is supposed to do! Anyway, how can you think that plan has any basis whatsoever in reality? You’re giving borrowers zero equity. You’re setting them, and your company, up for massive ruin!
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ryan: Wow, that was harsh! But, it’s just Simon. No one listens to him. He’s a negative jerkoff. Well, let’s bring up our next contestant. Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense!
Donald Rumsfeld: Thank you, Ryan. As you may know, terrorists HATE America. Most terrorists are Muslims. There are bunches—bunches!—of Muslims in Iraq. Ipso facto, let’s invade Iraq. We’d only need to send, like, a hundred thousand troops. Baghdad will fall in a week or so, then it’s smoooooooooth sailing from there!
(Crowd eats it up)
Ryan: Judges?
Randy: Do-NNY Boy! I’d call you Rummy, but that’s what we call Paula! (High fives Paula, who falls over, giggling). Aight, seriously though, seriously. Check this out, baby. Check this out. I liked it, Donald. Nothing flashy—just laying it all out there. Can’t see anything wrong with your logic. And, dog, if you can get Paula dancing, you know you’re doing something right!
Donald: Actually, I think she might be having a seizure.
Ryan: Don’t worry about it. Simon?
Simon: Donald. As usual, I have to disagree with Randy. It was HORR-ible.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Randy: (Yelling) How you like that, Simon?!? YOU’RE NOT BELOVED BY A LARGE CROWD OF TEENAGERS!
Simon: Come now! We can’t have this outburst from you lot every time I say something negative in the slightest! Anyway. Where did you get that figger from? One hundred thousand? Didn’t we talk about this during your auditions? Didn’t we say we need something closer to a half million for any form of extended occupation and to fight what’s sure to be a fierce resistance movement? I thought you were going to work on this! And, I HATE the militry jacket. Those patches. They’re quite ostentatious.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ryan: Oooooooo-KAY, the crowd hates Simon. What else is new--he’s an asshole! If you like Donald, be sure to text the number 2 to 45308.
(Donald makes faces at the camera while holding up two fingers in different and zany ways)
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