Hypothetical Hundreds: Week 1 Results and Week 2 Picks

I went 8 of 16 last week and thus have neither won nor lost money. Going into the Monday Night Football games, I was 8 of 14 and confident I would be making it 10 of 16 shortly. That doubleheader sums up why one probably ought not bet on the NFL. New England vs. Buffalo and San Diego vs. Oakland. Two teams many experts have picked to be in the Super Bowl versus two Pan American Flight 103s of sports teams. Two double-digit spreads. Two thrilling and, importantly, single digit wins for the favorite. Two losses for your humble pseudowagerer.

Anyway, that was Week 1! This is Week 2, wherein I become a handicapping savant and go 16 of 16! And then, Patrick Swayze will rise from the dead to simultaneously dance his way into the heart of a spoiled yet good-hearted rich girl while scandalizing polite society with his angsty yet carefree manner and involvement in an abortion scandal! Neither are very likely, you see! Onto the picks!

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-3) over Oakland Raiders
Houston Texans (+7) over TENNESSEE TITANS
New England Patriots (-4) over NEW YORK JETS
GREEN BAY PACKERS (-9) over Cincinnati Bengals
Minnesota Vikings (-10) over DETROIT LIONS
New Orleans Saints (even) over PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
ATLANTA FALCONS (-6) over Carolina Panthers
St. Louis Rams (+10) over WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Arizona Cardinals (+3) over JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
Seattle Seahawks (+1.5) over SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
BUFFALO BILLS (-5) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Pittsburgh Steelers (-3) over CHICAGO BEARS
New York Giants (+3) over DALLAS COWBOYS
Indianapolis Colts (-3.5) over MIAMI DOLPHINS

2009 RECORD: 8-8
BANKROLL: $1,600

Hypothetical Hundreds: Let the Great Experiment Begin!

Our long national nightmare is over. Football is back on television. I love football so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant. During last years NFL playoffs, rather than actually place bets on NFL games like a real man, I decided to "hypothetically" wager "one hundred dollars" on each NFL game. I ended up going 9-2 for the playoffs. In other words, had I the stones to bet, I would have been $700 richer. Since that time, I have not grown a pair and will continue to make picks this way, with the money still in my pocket and my kneecaps intact. There are sixteen games this week, so I will start with a bankroll of $1,600. If you want to play at home, these games will always be against the spread published prior to the first game of the week on Bodog. Home team in ALL CAPS:

PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-6.5) over Tennessee Titans
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-7) over Jacksonville Jaguars
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-13) over Detroit Lions
Philadelphia Eagles (-2.5) over CAROLINA PANTHERS
Dallas Cowboys (-6) over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
HOUSTON TEXANS (-5) over New York Jets
Kansas City Chiefs (+13.5) over BALTIMORE RAVENS
CINCINNATI BENGALS (-4) over Denver Broncos
Minnesota Vikings (-4.5) over CLEVELAND BROWNS
ATLANTA FALCONS (-4) over Miami Dolphins
Washington Redskins (+6.5) over NEW YORK GIANTS
ARIZONA CARDINALS (-6) over San Francisco 49ers
GREEN BAY PACKERS (-3.5) over Chicago Bears
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-8.5) over St. Louis Rams
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-11) over Buffalo Bills
San Diego Chargers (-9) over OAKLAND RAIDERS

I'll keep track of the wins and losses and let both of you readers know how it's going.

In unrelated news, Kentucky shut out Miami (OH) 42-0 this weekend. While that might not sound so great given that Miami is predicted to come in second to last in the MAC, I was pretty happy. Last year, we would have won that game, but would have trailed until the late third quarter and won 21-20 on a last second punt return.

Hypothetical Hundreds: BRUUUUUUUUUCE! Edition

The Super Bowl Halftime Show featuring Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band is nearly upon us. For years, I’ve enjoyed trying to pick the songs played during the show. I started off humbly with the not very bold assertion that Paul McCartney would close with Hey Jude. Nailed it! Last year, I tried to take bets on Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (somehow finding no takers) and totally called his entire set list, in order—American Girl, I Won’t Back Down, Free Fallin’, Runnin’ Down a Dream (typing that made me realize that Tom Petty is a big fan of elision and superfluous apostrophes; Cormac McCarthy would be unimpressed with all that extra punctuation). The Boss, however, has been a tough nut to crack. Will he go obvious or take the Prince route and play almost nothing you would expect? Here’s my best guess:

1) Born in the USA
2) Radio Nowhere
3) Glory Days
4) Born to Run

I think the only sure thing is Born in the USA. The real issue, though, is this: opener or closer? Its anthemic stomp seems more suited to beginnings, while the hurried squall of Born to Run seems a more fitting note on which The Boss can go careening into the Tampa night.

Oh, there’s a football game involved somehow, too. No one seems to think the Arizona Cardinals, generally regarded as a pass-first team, have any chance against the Pittsburgh Steelers, specifically against the Steelers’ league-leading (during the regular season) pass defense. On the other hand, the Cardinals have been quick to go to the run in the post-season, a fact that probably caught the Falcons, Panthers and Eagles off guard. Pittsburgh has had two weeks to prepare for this, but their offense seems to have been improvised for the last couple games. I’m very tempted to go against the grain and take the Cardinals at +7, based on their stouter-than-expected defense, embrace of the run and renaissance of Kurt Warner. So I think I will. Go Cards!

Hypothetical Hundreds: Special Northern Kentucky Edition

James Bricken and I are currently stuck in a hotel lobby in Covington, Kentucky, watching the first NBA game I've watched this season. Long story. We were up here for a New Lawyers Seminar, a.k.a. The Biggest Gathering of Douchebags in the State, a.k.a. Why the Terrorists Hate Us. Or so I thought before we came. We actually had a decent time, got to catch up with some old law school pals, and, of course, gambled like degenerates. On a whim, about ten of us ended up at the Argosy Casino in southern Indiana (where, apparently, they only sell warm beer in the gas stations; turned out to be a blessing in disguise). I ended up winning about $100 playing blackjack. Big time stuff!

The casino got me in the gambling mood, and I realized I hadn't made my NFL picks for the week. I've been dominant in the playoffs this year, missing only one pick. Sure, I got very lucky in that Titans-Ravens game last weekend, but I'll take it where I can get it. Anyway, here are the picks (home team in caps):

1. ARIZONA CARDINALS (+4) over Philadelphia Eagles
2. Baltimore Ravens (+6) over PITTSBURGH STEELERS

There you have it. Scientific facts.

CURRENT RECORD: 7-1

Hypothetical Hundreds: C.R.E.A.M.

The divisional round of the NFL playoffs ended today and I'm proud to report that I correctly called every game. I started the weekend with (an imaginary) $700, and ended it with $1,100. Not too shabby! Take that, experts!

Hypothetical Hundreds

In my quest to be the best attorney in Lexington, if not the state of Kentucky, I read about ten sports blogs on a daily basis while at work. During the NFL season, most of them dedicate at least one column a week to betting the games. On Kissing Suzy Kolber, it’s called “Always Be Covering.” Bill Simmons and his wife pick games against the spread each week and keep a running tally—the joke being that his wife, knowing nothing about the NFL, does about the same as does Simmons, whose job it is to know about sports.

Reading these gambling missives, I’m always tempted by the thought, “Pfft, what a bunch of idiots. I could kill this. I could be Ghostface!”

LOOK AT ALL THAT MONEY AND THAT ASIAN CHICK OMG AND THAT CRAZY RING IT COULD ALL BE MINE HAHA THANKS NFL SUCKERS!...which is a dangerous road to go down without knowing if you could actually do it against a fickle point spread. So, last week, during the NFL Wild Card weekend, I decided to start keeping track, betting a fictional $100 per game, to see if I really had what it took to be the next Sam Rothstein. Here are my picks (home teams in caps)

1. Arizona Cardinals (+2) over ATLANTA FALCONS
2. Indianapolis Colts (-1) over SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
3. Baltimore Ravens (-3.5) over MIAMI DOLPHINS
4. Philadelphia Eagles (-3) over MINNESOTA VIKINGS

I probably violated every known gambling rule in the universe in making those picks. I can spot one right now—I bet against every home team and every divisional champ. But you know what? I came out 3-1. $400 wagered, $300 plus the three bets coming back, and just like that, I’ve got (an imaginary) $600! Add to that another $100 from the Florida/Oklahoma game, and I’ve almost doubled up in a week.

Here are the picks for this weekend’s divisional match-ups:

1. Baltimore Ravens (+3) over TENNESSEE TITANS
2. Arizona Cardinals (+10) over CAROLINA PANTHERS
3. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-6) over SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
4. Philadelphia Eagles (+4) over NEW YORK GIANTS

Some bold picks there, if I do say so myself. No one likes Arizona on the road—with reason. But ten points is so tempting, and last week, Arizona manhandled the power run of Atlanta and have a power run to deal with in Carolina's offense. Well, I guess it’s one bold pick—the rest could go either way. But, then again, can't they all?

CURRENT RECORD

4-1