America's Newest Hit-Maker

I saw this on the AV Club a few minutes ago, and it sounds interesting. I haven't done it yet, so the results will be revealed LIVE! on this very blog. Here are the instructions:

New meme: here's a totally random way to make your new random band's new random album cover. Post one! Go to “Wikipedia.” Hit “random” and the first article you get is the name of your band. Then go to “Random Quotations” and the last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album. Then, go to Flickr and click on “Explore the Last Seven Days” and the third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

The results:


Wow. That's sure to go platinum.

This is Lynn's new band:


They'll be headlining the Lilith Fair this summer.

American Idol: Public Policy Edition

Ryan Seacrest: It’s Hollywood night here on American Idol! We’ve got the best and the brightest here with us, ready to make this country a better place! Everyone, take a look at Simon—look at that sweater. Simon, did you beat up a lady in the petite section at Macy’s to get that sweater?

Simon Cowell: Very funny. Nice haircut, nancy.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Simon: What? He looks like quite the gay!

Ryan: Alright, settle down everyone. Settle down. Simon kids because he loves—and, by the way, Simon, it takes one to know one.



(Paula Abdul laughs and falls from her chair)

(Kara DioGuardi neither adds nor detracts from the exchange)

Randy Jackson: Aw, naw, dog! Simon, word word word! Simon. Si-MON. You gonna take that nonsense!

Ryan: Alright, let’s move on before Randy runs out of ways to emphasize different syllables in someone's name. Please welcome our first contestant, Jim Richards, C.E.O. of Countrywide Mortgage!

Jim: Thank you, thank you all, what UP! Anyway, here’s the deal: how many of you want a badass house looking like it came straight outta Cribs? Huh? I heard that! But. How many of you don’t really have much saved up for a down payment? No problemo, friends! We’ve developed loans where you don’t need a down payment! And, being the nice guy that I am, I’ll let you pay ONLY interest! For as long as you want! And your home will only go UP in value! What could possibly go wrong?!

(Crowd cheers ecstatically)

Ryan: Judges?

Randy: Aight aight aight! Jimmy Rich, Ji-mmy RICH, check it out, baby, check it out! First off, way to bring the HEAT and the NOISE baby! You’re trying to shake things up, and I like it! You need to work on your slang though, dog. “No problemo”? That’s not how the kids talk on the STREETS, baby! Otherwise, I loved it. You’re going a long way.

Kara: I love your look. Navy blue suit, tasteful white pinstripes, power tie. That screams, “I know more than you do about this, so just go along with it!” Very nice! Paula?



Paula: Welljim, youknow, astound gratomee! Canoo gimme gardtower to shoo off suicide fans? And a panic room for whena pills wear off?

Jim: Sure! Panic rooms TRIPLE the value of your home!

(Crowd goes wild)

Randy: Uh-oh, here comes the buzzkill. Simon…

Simon: I’m going to be honest, Jim. I HATED it.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Randy: (Yelling over the crowd) Don’t listen to him, Jimmdogg!

Simon: Come on now, I’m the judge! This is what a judge is supposed to do! Anyway, how can you think that plan has any basis whatsoever in reality? You’re giving borrowers zero equity. You’re setting them, and your company, up for massive ruin!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ryan: Wow, that was harsh! But, it’s just Simon. No one listens to him. He’s a negative jerkoff. Well, let’s bring up our next contestant. Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense!

Donald Rumsfeld: Thank you, Ryan. As you may know, terrorists HATE America. Most terrorists are Muslims. There are bunches—bunches!—of Muslims in Iraq. Ipso facto, let’s invade Iraq. We’d only need to send, like, a hundred thousand troops. Baghdad will fall in a week or so, then it’s smoooooooooth sailing from there!

(Crowd eats it up)

Ryan: Judges?

Randy: Do-NNY Boy! I’d call you Rummy, but that’s what we call Paula! (High fives Paula, who falls over, giggling). Aight, seriously though, seriously. Check this out, baby. Check this out. I liked it, Donald. Nothing flashy—just laying it all out there. Can’t see anything wrong with your logic. And, dog, if you can get Paula dancing, you know you’re doing something right!

Donald: Actually, I think she might be having a seizure.

Ryan: Don’t worry about it. Simon?

Simon: Donald. As usual, I have to disagree with Randy. It was HORR-ible.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Randy: (Yelling) How you like that, Simon?!? YOU’RE NOT BELOVED BY A LARGE CROWD OF TEENAGERS!

Simon: Come now! We can’t have this outburst from you lot every time I say something negative in the slightest! Anyway. Where did you get that figger from? One hundred thousand? Didn’t we talk about this during your auditions? Didn’t we say we need something closer to a half million for any form of extended occupation and to fight what’s sure to be a fierce resistance movement? I thought you were going to work on this! And, I HATE the militry jacket. Those patches. They’re quite ostentatious.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ryan: Oooooooo-KAY, the crowd hates Simon. What else is new--he’s an asshole! If you like Donald, be sure to text the number 2 to 45308.

(Donald makes faces at the camera while holding up two fingers in different and zany ways)

Top Fives

Kent Jackson recently made a post on Top 5 Fringe Seinfeld Characters over on his and Dana’s blog. I actually lost sleep trying to put together my top 5, and I’m not entirely satisfied with it. I liked the idea so much that I’m going to steal it and start my own list: Top 5 Movies Wholly or Partially About the 1970s. Here’s mine:

1) Boogie Nights
2) Casino
3) Dazed and Confused
4) Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
5) Blow

Not a great list, but maybe it’ll get some discussion going. Lynn, Kent and Dana—a.k.a. the only three people who read this—leave yours in the comments

Hypothetical Hundreds: BRUUUUUUUUUCE! Edition

The Super Bowl Halftime Show featuring Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band is nearly upon us. For years, I’ve enjoyed trying to pick the songs played during the show. I started off humbly with the not very bold assertion that Paul McCartney would close with Hey Jude. Nailed it! Last year, I tried to take bets on Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (somehow finding no takers) and totally called his entire set list, in order—American Girl, I Won’t Back Down, Free Fallin’, Runnin’ Down a Dream (typing that made me realize that Tom Petty is a big fan of elision and superfluous apostrophes; Cormac McCarthy would be unimpressed with all that extra punctuation). The Boss, however, has been a tough nut to crack. Will he go obvious or take the Prince route and play almost nothing you would expect? Here’s my best guess:

1) Born in the USA
2) Radio Nowhere
3) Glory Days
4) Born to Run

I think the only sure thing is Born in the USA. The real issue, though, is this: opener or closer? Its anthemic stomp seems more suited to beginnings, while the hurried squall of Born to Run seems a more fitting note on which The Boss can go careening into the Tampa night.

Oh, there’s a football game involved somehow, too. No one seems to think the Arizona Cardinals, generally regarded as a pass-first team, have any chance against the Pittsburgh Steelers, specifically against the Steelers’ league-leading (during the regular season) pass defense. On the other hand, the Cardinals have been quick to go to the run in the post-season, a fact that probably caught the Falcons, Panthers and Eagles off guard. Pittsburgh has had two weeks to prepare for this, but their offense seems to have been improvised for the last couple games. I’m very tempted to go against the grain and take the Cardinals at +7, based on their stouter-than-expected defense, embrace of the run and renaissance of Kurt Warner. So I think I will. Go Cards!

Lynn's 25

I was tagged by Dana to make a list of 25 random things about myself. According to Ben, I'm a very strange individual. This should be interesting, so here goes:

1. I've always wanted to be tagged to do something like this. Seriously, I'm never asked to participate in any "tag" games on Facebook or the blog.

2. I rarely have time to make the bed before I leave for work in the morning, but I always make the bed right before I go to sleep at night. I straighten the fitted sheet, tuck in the straight sheet, fluff the duvet, and turn down all the covers. I get visibly upset if Ben or the dog lays down before I've made the bed. Ben thinks this is the weirdest thing I do.

3. A few years ago, I worked in the sports department of a pretty big newspaper. Three days a week I was insanely busy and often worked overtime; the other two days I sat at my computer emailing, looking up recipes, working crossword puzzles, or reading books and newspapers. The strange thing is, I complained about this incessantly. What the hell was I thinking?

4. Now I'm a teacher. I occasionally email or look up a recipe. I cannot remember the last time I worked a crossword puzzle, read anything besides a school newspaper, or finished a book for fun.

5. I do love to read books, watch movies, and listen to music. I think about themes, messages, and lyrics more than most people. I always put myself in the place of the character, role, or speaker; this usually makes me emotional.

6. Did I mention I'm very emotional? I sobbed walking down the aisle at my wedding, even though I'd already seen Ben. I once cried at the end of a movie I'd been watching for 5 minutes [ed. note: this movie was Just Like Heaven. Ugh.] I'm especially prone to cry when I'm very stressed, very tired, or very happy.

7. I love television. I'm drawn to reality shows, teen programming, award shows, reruns...I'm obsessed. My favorite time of the year is when I have a television show for every night of the week.

8. I'm also obsessed with my dog. I never thought I could become that person. My sister gave me my dog, Rupp, when I was lonely after my move to Lexington. He is still so cute and snuggly. When I don't feel good, Rupp mopes around the house too. He is smart and sympathetic. Although I admit this is weird, I'm comforted that so many people behave in the same manner.

9. Rupp and I have only had one fight: when I neutered him. Poor guy.

10. I was also obsessed with my husband. I thought he was absolutely perfect for years. I don't think that way anymore; I just think he is perfect for me.

11. One of my favorite things about Ben is his vocabulary.

12. I love love love my college friends. My kids at school think my life is so tame...if they only knew of my past life!

13. I don't always like Seinfeld. This baffles Ben. I don't always like Days of our Lives. This baffles Dana.

14. I love to cook dinner every night. I devote more hours to our dinner than I do to grading papers or planning lessons at home.

15. Ben and I go out to eat one or two times a week. Unless it's a special occasion, we always go to the same Mexican restaurant.

16. My mom, sister, and I planned my wedding in 4 months. We should go to the Olympics or something.

17. I have a pretty vivid imagination. I credit my mother with this. She used to make my sister and I play all alone--Barbies, dolls, dress up...we rarely watched television on weeknights and I didn't have IM or email until college. I think it is sad when my kids at school talk about spending their lives in front of the TV, Myspace, or Facebook.

18. With that, I have a small internet addiction.

19. When I'm stressed out with school or worried about one/a group of students, I dream about it. Once the school year starts, I worry more and dream about my students all the time.

20. I cannot stand styrofoam; I don't want to hear the pieces rub together. This means I can't take objects out of large boxes and I can't carry home leftovers from restuarants.

21. I'm always sick. I don't mean that I'm a hypochondriac, but I have a very weak immune system and pick up every little bug that goes around my school. My allergies escalate this problem. Carrie, Mom and Ben make fun of me for being so sickly, but I really can't help it.

22. This is just one of the parts of life I complain about. I complain about sickness, chores, work, and the temperature. I would love to change this part of myself...

23. When something is going wrong, I try to blame somebody else. Even if it is my fault. Carrie, Ben and my students are usually the recipients. Is this a coping mechanism for a perfectionist?

24. I have a love-hate relationship with snow days. When winter hits Kentucky, I desperately pray for them; when summer finally comes, I wish I hadn't prayed so hard.

25. I love a glass of wine in the evening, but my favorite drink has to be the bloody mary at Keeneland!

I'm tagging Ben, because no one else reads this blog!

Hypothetical Hundreds: Special Northern Kentucky Edition

James Bricken and I are currently stuck in a hotel lobby in Covington, Kentucky, watching the first NBA game I've watched this season. Long story. We were up here for a New Lawyers Seminar, a.k.a. The Biggest Gathering of Douchebags in the State, a.k.a. Why the Terrorists Hate Us. Or so I thought before we came. We actually had a decent time, got to catch up with some old law school pals, and, of course, gambled like degenerates. On a whim, about ten of us ended up at the Argosy Casino in southern Indiana (where, apparently, they only sell warm beer in the gas stations; turned out to be a blessing in disguise). I ended up winning about $100 playing blackjack. Big time stuff!

The casino got me in the gambling mood, and I realized I hadn't made my NFL picks for the week. I've been dominant in the playoffs this year, missing only one pick. Sure, I got very lucky in that Titans-Ravens game last weekend, but I'll take it where I can get it. Anyway, here are the picks (home team in caps):

1. ARIZONA CARDINALS (+4) over Philadelphia Eagles
2. Baltimore Ravens (+6) over PITTSBURGH STEELERS

There you have it. Scientific facts.

CURRENT RECORD: 7-1

WTF, Tilly

The list of things Tilly has demolished since she began to "play"

A jar of moisturizer
An entire bottle of Cumin
My Calphalon pot holder
My favorite Calvin Klein flats*
A roll of grosgrain ribbon
An entire roll of wrapping paper
Two TV remotes
One Wii remote

I'm beginning to have terrible visions of Tilly chewing her way through my favorite things; furniture, books, wedding pictures. Seriously, what's next?









*I originally thought these were salvageable when Ben called to tell me Tilly chewed off "some of the leather" on the CK flats. I suggested covering up the "some" with black shoe polish. Ben's response: "I think our definition of 'some' might be different." Sure enough, Tilly had ripped huge strips of leather from the once-amazing shoe. I mean, these shoes went from black leather to white-cloth lining. I buried them last night.