Monday, October 5, 2009

My First Book Review

Ben and I are avid readers. We've packed our bookshelves--and stacked our floors--with beloved novels, biographies, poetry and even textbooks from which we couldn't part. I read at work, I read during summer break, I read on vacation. I read with Ben, I read to Ben, I read the same book as Ben at the same time. I read what my friends suggest and just to be cool (or lame if you ask Ben), I read what my students suggest.

As most of you know, I teach 10th grade English. Although my syllabus is filled with many "boring" classics, I teach a few things to those 10th graders that we all find interesting and compelling. If you aren't big on reading, try out these simple short stories. One, they're short, and two, tenth graders understand them! If you are a book lover, these are beautifully written, interesting, powerful, and all the other adjectives we use to describe the stories we love.

1. "The Pit and the Pendulum" (Edgar Allen Poe)--If you can get through the first few pages, this is a horrific story of torture during The Spanish Inquisition. The setting actually becomes an intense character that the reader follows with morbid curiosity. In 3 years, my students have NEVER predicted the ending.



2. "Every Day Use" (Alice Walker)--You know Walker as the author of The Color Purple. It's all here, too--the African-American-speak, the clash of modern vs. traditional ways of living, and the strong black woman. The conflict finally reveals to the reader which character is the strongest and proudest of all.

3. "Distillation" (Hugo Martinez-Serros)--This short story is so touching. We hear the basic premise of "Distillation" in many religious parables: a mother offers her child comforting love, a father provides a protective love for his children that can withstand any torture. But "Distillation" is raw. "Distillation" is painful. "Distillation" is not just a child looking up to his father. In one moment this child comes to the full realization of a father's power and protection, and ultimately love and sacrifice. Our narrator is never the same.

Friday, September 18, 2009

An Open Letter to My Husband

Dear Husband,

In the last 5 (almost 6) years we've sent thousands and thousands of emails to one another. If you think about the last few years, you must agree that we've had some exciting moments to discuss within those emails. Think about all the fun dates we had in Birmingham, the concerts, the trips we took together...Remember when you killed that spider that was hanging out in my dorm bathtub, or the time you wrote your senior thesis the night before it was due?

We decided to get married, so I'm sure we emailed about that. We planned a honeymoon, moved in together, hosted fun parties for our friends, and picked up another dog. Remember when I almost died? Our favorite teams won ballgames--and we were there to celebrate together.

I haven't even mentioned all the craziness that goes on at work. Remember when, while writing a fishing report one week, I forgot a decimal point in the water temperature and Tom cussed me out? What about when we got the news that McBrayer wanted to hire you? Or, when that student 2 years ago found my cell phone number and proceeded to call me 100 times a day? Or when you found me sprawled on the kitchen floor, crying that I would never pass KTIP?

Our time together is fun, exciting, and sometimes dramatic. The next day, an email is always necessary to recount the experience. But in my email memory (yes, there is such a thing), I've never seen you use a single exclamation point until you created "Hypothetical Hundreds."

Snap out of it!

Love, Lynn

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Hypothetical Hundreds: Week 1 Results and Week 2 Picks

I went 8 of 16 last week and thus have neither won nor lost money. Going into the Monday Night Football games, I was 8 of 14 and confident I would be making it 10 of 16 shortly. That doubleheader sums up why one probably ought not bet on the NFL. New England vs. Buffalo and San Diego vs. Oakland. Two teams many experts have picked to be in the Super Bowl versus two Pan American Flight 103s of sports teams. Two double-digit spreads. Two thrilling and, importantly, single digit wins for the favorite. Two losses for your humble pseudowagerer.

Anyway, that was Week 1! This is Week 2, wherein I become a handicapping savant and go 16 of 16! And then, Patrick Swayze will rise from the dead to simultaneously dance his way into the heart of a spoiled yet good-hearted rich girl while scandalizing polite society with his angsty yet carefree manner and involvement in an abortion scandal! Neither are very likely, you see! Onto the picks!

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-3) over Oakland Raiders
Houston Texans (+7) over TENNESSEE TITANS
New England Patriots (-4) over NEW YORK JETS
GREEN BAY PACKERS (-9) over Cincinnati Bengals
Minnesota Vikings (-10) over DETROIT LIONS
New Orleans Saints (even) over PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
ATLANTA FALCONS (-6) over Carolina Panthers
St. Louis Rams (+10) over WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Arizona Cardinals (+3) over JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
Seattle Seahawks (+1.5) over SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
BUFFALO BILLS (-5) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Pittsburgh Steelers (-3) over CHICAGO BEARS
New York Giants (+3) over DALLAS COWBOYS
Indianapolis Colts (-3.5) over MIAMI DOLPHINS

2009 RECORD: 8-8
BANKROLL: $1,600

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

John Dalton, 1952-2009


John Dalton, American philosopher and bouncer, passed away yesterday following a two-year battle with pancreatic cancer. Dalton received a Bachelor of Arts degree in Philosophy from New York University in 1974. Dalton's stoic manner won him fame in the international bouncer community such that bar owners would actively recruit him to act as a "cooler" in their establishments. Even an incident in a Memphis nightclub, in which Dalton allegedly ripped out a violent patron's throat, could not damage his sterling reputation. His guiding principle, "be nice until it's time to not be nice," won him many friends and, unfortunately, no few enemies. Dalton is perhaps best known as the author of the critically lauded treatise Man's Search for Faith: That Sort of Shit, and as the bouncer who cleaned up the Double Deuce, an infamous roadhouse in Jasper, Missouri, and in the process removed the town from gangster Brad Wesley's stranglehold.

Dalton's last words were reportedly "pain don't hurt," uttered to reassure Dr. Elizabeth Clay, his surviving wife, and the shimmering ghost of Sam Elliot that he was not suffering. In lieu of flowers, donations should be made to the Riverside Shirtless Tai Chi Foundation.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Hypothetical Hundreds: Let the Great Experiment Begin!

Our long national nightmare is over. Football is back on television. I love football so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant. During last years NFL playoffs, rather than actually place bets on NFL games like a real man, I decided to "hypothetically" wager "one hundred dollars" on each NFL game. I ended up going 9-2 for the playoffs. In other words, had I the stones to bet, I would have been $700 richer. Since that time, I have not grown a pair and will continue to make picks this way, with the money still in my pocket and my kneecaps intact. There are sixteen games this week, so I will start with a bankroll of $1,600. If you want to play at home, these games will always be against the spread published prior to the first game of the week on Bodog. Home team in ALL CAPS:

PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-6.5) over Tennessee Titans
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-7) over Jacksonville Jaguars
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-13) over Detroit Lions
Philadelphia Eagles (-2.5) over CAROLINA PANTHERS
Dallas Cowboys (-6) over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
HOUSTON TEXANS (-5) over New York Jets
Kansas City Chiefs (+13.5) over BALTIMORE RAVENS
CINCINNATI BENGALS (-4) over Denver Broncos
Minnesota Vikings (-4.5) over CLEVELAND BROWNS
ATLANTA FALCONS (-4) over Miami Dolphins
Washington Redskins (+6.5) over NEW YORK GIANTS
ARIZONA CARDINALS (-6) over San Francisco 49ers
GREEN BAY PACKERS (-3.5) over Chicago Bears
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-8.5) over St. Louis Rams
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-11) over Buffalo Bills
San Diego Chargers (-9) over OAKLAND RAIDERS

I'll keep track of the wins and losses and let both of you readers know how it's going.

In unrelated news, Kentucky shut out Miami (OH) 42-0 this weekend. While that might not sound so great given that Miami is predicted to come in second to last in the MAC, I was pretty happy. Last year, we would have won that game, but would have trailed until the late third quarter and won 21-20 on a last second punt return.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Sank You?

Lynn and I ate at Malone's with her parents this evening following a big day of clean-up from Carrie's wedding. I'm sure Lynn will have much more to say about the big day, but this was written on the chopsticks Lynn got with her sushi. All sic'd:

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history. and cultural"

That's some good Engrish!

Friday, July 24, 2009

An Open Letter to Jill and Kevin

Dear Jill and Kevin,

Congratulations on your wedding and the commencement of your fifteen minutes of fame. I have been forwarded a link to your wedding dance at least five times in the past two days:



Each time, it was recommended to me as "genius" or "hilarious" and, to my surprise after watching it, not "ridiculous." It could just be me--I once was in a wedding wherein the DJ asked the members of the wedding party to "dance [their] asses off" on the way into the reception. I walked quickly to the bar, eyes on the floor. So, Jill and Kevin, maybe dancing while large groups of people are watching is just not my thing. In fact, I know it isn't--I told my wife that if she had suggested we do anything even remotely close to what you guys did, I would have to consider our entire relationship. "I'm about to marry someone who would consider dancing down the aisle on her wedding day? I THINK NOT! You, madam, are a FRAUD!"

But I digress. I want to say thank you for the grins you have provided me with. Not with your hilariously irreverent dancing (I can see the reactions of your assorted guests: "Whaa?! Dancing? To a famous R&B hit? At a WEDDING CEREMONY! It's too delightfully zany for words!" I also like to imagine one of your uncles, a snoot in a top hat, dropping his monocle in startled surprise, clutching at the lapel of his double-breasted tuxedo and shouting "Well, I never!", one of your aunts coming down with a case of the vapors, and Jill's father, who looks suspiciously like Jerry Orbach, shedding a single tear, finally letting his daughter go and "getting down" with that newfangled music the kids are listening to these days), but for your decision to do so while accompanied by the strains of "Forever" by CHRIS EFFIN BROWN! Yes, that Chris Brown, noted pugilist and women's rights activist. And my wife thought "God Only Knows" would be an inappropriate wedding song. I guess she was right--nothing says true love forever like dancing to a song by a notorious lady beater.

So, thanks again, guys. And Jill--remember to check your tone. Kevin keeps it real.

Your friend,
Ben