Ryan Seacrest: It’s Hollywood night here on American Idol! We’ve got the best and the brightest here with us, ready to make this country a better place! Everyone, take a look at Simon—look at that sweater. Simon, did you beat up a lady in the petite section at Macy’s to get that sweater?
Simon Cowell: Very funny. Nice haircut, nancy.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Simon: What? He looks like quite the gay!
Ryan: Alright, settle down everyone. Settle down. Simon kids because he loves—and, by the way, Simon, it takes one to know one.
(Paula Abdul laughs and falls from her chair)
(Kara DioGuardi neither adds nor detracts from the exchange)
Randy Jackson: Aw, naw, dog! Simon, word word word! Simon. Si-MON. You gonna take that nonsense!
Ryan: Alright, let’s move on before Randy runs out of ways to emphasize different syllables in someone's name. Please welcome our first contestant, Jim Richards, C.E.O. of Countrywide Mortgage!
Jim: Thank you, thank you all, what UP! Anyway, here’s the deal: how many of you want a badass house looking like it came straight outta Cribs? Huh? I heard that! But. How many of you don’t really have much saved up for a down payment? No problemo, friends! We’ve developed loans where you don’t need a down payment! And, being the nice guy that I am, I’ll let you pay ONLY interest! For as long as you want! And your home will only go UP in value! What could possibly go wrong?!
(Crowd cheers ecstatically)
Ryan: Judges?
Randy: Aight aight aight! Jimmy Rich, Ji-mmy RICH, check it out, baby, check it out! First off, way to bring the HEAT and the NOISE baby! You’re trying to shake things up, and I like it! You need to work on your slang though, dog. “No problemo”? That’s not how the kids talk on the STREETS, baby! Otherwise, I loved it. You’re going a long way.
Kara: I love your look. Navy blue suit, tasteful white pinstripes, power tie. That screams, “I know more than you do about this, so just go along with it!” Very nice! Paula?
Paula: Welljim, youknow, astound gratomee!
Canoo gimme gardtower to shoo off suicide fans? And a panic room for whena pills wear off?
Jim: Sure! Panic rooms TRIPLE the value of your home!
(Crowd goes wild)
Randy: Uh-oh, here comes the buzzkill. Simon…
Simon: I’m going to be honest, Jim. I HATED it.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Randy: (Yelling over the crowd) Don’t listen to him, Jimmdogg!
Simon: Come on now, I’m the judge! This is what a judge is supposed to do! Anyway, how can you think that plan has any basis whatsoever in reality? You’re giving borrowers zero equity. You’re setting them, and your company, up for
massive ruin!
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ryan: Wow, that was harsh! But, it’s just Simon. No one listens to him. He’s a negative jerkoff. Well, let’s bring up our next contestant. Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense!
Donald Rumsfeld: Thank you, Ryan. As you may know, terrorists HATE America. Most terrorists are Muslims. There are bunches—bunches!—of Muslims in Iraq. Ipso facto, let’s invade Iraq. We’d only need to send, like, a hundred thousand troops. Baghdad will fall in a week or so, then it’s smoooooooooth sailing from there!
(Crowd eats it up)
Ryan: Judges?
Randy: Do-NNY Boy! I’d call you Rummy, but that’s what we call Paula! (High fives Paula, who falls over, giggling). Aight, seriously though, seriously. Check this out, baby. Check this out. I liked it, Donald. Nothing flashy—just laying it all out there. Can’t see anything wrong with your logic. And, dog, if you can get Paula dancing, you know you’re doing something right!
Donald: Actually, I think she might be having a seizure.
Ryan: Don’t worry about it. Simon?
Simon: Donald. As usual, I have to disagree with Randy. It was HORR-ible.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Randy: (Yelling) How you like that, Simon?!? YOU’RE NOT BELOVED BY A LARGE CROWD OF TEENAGERS!
Simon: Come now! We can’t have this outburst from you lot every time I say something negative in the slightest! Anyway. Where did you get that figger from? One hundred thousand? Didn’t we talk about this during your auditions? Didn’t we say we need something closer to a half million for any form of extended occupation and to fight what’s sure to be a fierce resistance movement? I thought you were going to work on this! And, I HATE the militry jacket. Those patches. They’re quite ostentatious.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ryan: Oooooooo-KAY, the crowd hates Simon. What else is new--he’s an asshole! If you like Donald, be sure to text the number 2 to 45308.
(Donald makes faces at the camera while holding up two fingers in different and zany ways)
