Happy Thanksgiving!

I have so much for which to be thankful:

~My husband~
I am so thankful for Ben. He is so helpful and kind when I have a hard day at work, he has worked diligently during our move, he is such an encouragement to me and always lifts my spirits. I am so grateful for this man!

~My wonderful family~
My parents and Ben's parents have been so generous while we were moving. We are thankful for their help and support. I love my sisters-in-law and I'm so glad they're close to Lexington. I love our dinner dates and TV nights! I am so thankful for my little sister. I am so happy she's now happily married. I know she is doing important work as a night-shift nurse, but I sure do miss seeing her!

~A rewarding career~
I have to admit, I am pretty exhausted coming into this break. I've been sick, I've had a little disagreement with my principal, the ungraded papers have piled up again, and I am annoyed with my 4th, 5th, and 6th hour classes. In one of my favorite poems, Elizabeth Bishop has to literally tell herself to finish a poem and encourage herself with words she doesn't necessarily believe. I'm like that, too. Sometimes I have to tell myself I'm doing important work in the lives of 180 kids.

~Our home~
Ben and I just bought our first house. It's wonderful and I'm so grateful that we are fortunate to live in a good neighborhood! But more than that, I'm thankful for this new phase in our life. We are in a house where we can make lasting many memories with friends and family--that's how you make a home.

~Friends near and far~
Recently, I was telling some of my seniors to go on to a college that is a good distance from home. I told them about the wonderful friends that I made and I told them that those friends became my family for the six years I was away from Kentucky. Oh, I wish that for so many of my students. I am so thankful for my best friends. Lindsey, DeLaune', Dana and Maile, I love y'all so much and I miss your faces! But, I love every email and text and Facebook message. I cherish every word we share. I am also thankful for friends I've made while at UK and in the last few years at work--they've made Lexington feel a little more at home.

Alright, few and dear friends that read this blog...what are you thankful for this year?

Actually...

The very best thing about married life is knowing I am loved~even when I am completely, totally, absolutely unlovable.

The Perfect Saturday Football Post

I've been tagged by Dana! Ladies, enjoy reading about Our Romance while your husband watches football for the next 12 hours.


♥ What are your middle names?
Michael and Ormsby--I kept my maiden name as my middle name.

♥How long have you been together?
Ben and I went on our first date to a fraternity party on December 5, 2003. After I saw his lions and lambs, puff-paint, x-small Christmas sweatshirt it was over. Does anyone else remember this?

♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating?
This is the best part of our story. Ben and I have known each other since elementary school. We attended the same church, same middle school (Ben was actually my sister's first middle school boyfriend!), same high school, and same college. But, we didn't go on our first date until my senior year of college.

♥ Who asked who out?
Ben asked me to the Sigma Chi Christmas Party. He was fresh off the plane from England!

♥ Who made the first move?
Ben looked into my eyes and I looked into his...the move was mutual.

♥ How old are each of you?
Ben just turned 27 and I'm 28. The worst months in the year are the months when I appear to be two whole years older than Ben. We are actually 15 months apart--the same distance in age as me and my sister.

♥ Did you go to the same school?
Yes: middle school, high school, college, and graduate school!

♥ Are you from the same home town?
Yes.

♥ Who is the smartest?
I would like to think there is some area in life where I know more than Ben. This is just not true. I like to read, I like to write, I have a Master's degree. Ben missed 9 questions on the LSAT.

♥ Who majored in what?
Lynn--English and Journalism
Ben--History and Political Science

♥ Who is the most sensitive?
Ben is increasingly sensitive, but I once cried during a TV movie that I turned on 5 minutes prior. I will never live that one down. So, I win.

♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Ben has a theory that the crappier the Mexican restaurant, the better the food. We frequent Cielito Lindo, a Mexican restaurant housed in an old McDonald's. Proof the theory is true--The food is amazing!

♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
From Lexington to Tuscaloosa, from Tuscaloosa to Asheville, from Asheville to Lexington...in four days!

♥ Who has the worst temper?
Tilly (our dog) won't stay in the same room when Ben is watching a game (any game) on television. Ben wins!

♥ How many children do you want?
Ben wants [zero to] two; I want three. We'll just have to see who wins:)

♥ Who does the cooking?
I'm sure that Ben would tell you that one of the best things about being married is that he hasn't been in charge of an entire meal (yes, he grills) for two years. I would tell you that one of the best things about being married is that I haven't washed a dish for two years.

♥ Who is more social?
We can both be loners. When we are with a law school crowd, Ben is pretty talkative. I am a completely new person when I get to spend time with Samford friends!

♥ Who is the neat-freak?
I am. I am especially OCD about making the bed. I often clean to relieve anxiety. I know, too much information...

♥ Who is the most stubborn?
I don't think I'm that stubborn. I also don't think Ben is that stubborn. I have a feeling that he would have answered that question differently.

♥ Who wakes up earlier?
Me! Me! I have to be in my car before 7:00 am, ready for my 30-minute commute and my 7:45 am journalism class. Ben gets up at 8:00 and is at work 20 minutes later.

♥ Where was your first date?
Sigma Chi house--Tacky Office Christmas Party

♥ Who has the bigger family?
Ben!

♥ Do you get flowers often?
In almost 6 years, Ben gave me flowers once. Instead, he buys me good CDs:)

♥ How do you spend the holidays?
We spend all holidays in London (KY). We somehow find a way to see both sets of parents, all our siblings and the grandparents in one weekend.

♥ Who is more jealous?
Me:(

♥ How long did it take to get serious?
Dana, I bet you're dying to read my answer...Ben told me he loved me after 3 years together. That's when we became serious, but we did have a good relationship before that. I don't recommend this to every girl, but for me Ben was DEFINITELY worth the wait!

♥ Who eats more?
Ben, no contest.

♥ What do you do for a living?
I'm a high school English teacher; Ben is an attorney.

♥ Who does the laundry?
Me...Ben shrunk one of my favorite shirts the first week we were married and hasn't done laundry since.

♥ Who’s better with the computer?

Ben--he actually has to edit all my writing, download all my pictures to the computer, and upload images to my blog or facebook. DeLaune' used to do all this for me, too.

♥ Who drives when you are together?
Last year I went to a wedding in Northern Kentucky and Ben stayed in Lexington for another wedding. You would have thought I was driving across America. Ben had to print off directions for the rehearsal dinner, back to the hotel, to the wedding, to the reception, and back to Lexington. I know that's lame so I'm trying to be more adventurous now.

♥ What is "your" song?
We danced to the Van Morrison/Bob Dylan version of "Crazy Love" at our wedding, but I'm not sure if that is "our song." Many songs and many artists remind me of Ben and different times in our relationship. I love that.

2 Books to Change your Life

Now it's time to step it up. I reviewed a few short stories at the beginning of the week, but today I would like to suggest a few novels to our (very few) readers.

As an English major at Samford, I read ALL THE TIME. Reading was my job, but I didn't always enjoy what I read. Since graduation, I have had some time to read the books that I wanted to read. Which, if you ask any English major, is a luxury. Sadly, it's a luxury I don't always give my own students--that's a post for a later date.

My biggest fear in writing this post is that I've been moved by a book that is uninteresting to others. But, to be honest, I wouldn't bother you with books that aren't the most interesting I've opened in years.


On Chesil Beach, by Ian McEwan

This author, Ian McEwan, was introduced to me by a professor at Samford. We spent most of our time in the English department reading classics, so Atonement, the first of McEwan's novels that I read, was change of scenery. I distinctly remember Dr. Johnson telling my class that McEwan was an author to watch. Since then I've bought everything I could find by this interesting author. Just like Atonement, On Chesil Beach was unlike any book I've read before. I hinted that I wanted to read this book for weeks and Ben listened. On our way to our honeymoon house in Seaside, Florida, my husband presented me with this book. Just let me say that, while I highly recommend this book, I do not highly recommend that you read it on your honeymoon or if you wouldn't be comfortable with a 200 page book devoted to the sexuality of one couple.

As I settled into my lounge chair for an afternoon in the sun, I read the first chapter to myself. Somewhere in that first chapter, I read an interesting sentence about the newlywed characters, Edward and Florence: "And they had so many plans, giddy plans, heaped up before them in the misty future, as richly tangled as the summer flora of the Dorset coast, and as beautiful." I read that sentence out loud to Ben because I was on my honeymoon, it reminded me of our own future, and it was beautifully written. Ben took the book out of my hands and read until he caught up with me.

Just like our own unknown future, Ben and I did not know what ending awaited Edward and Florence. With one copy between the two of us, we spent the week passing the book back and forth on the beach and reading to each other in bed. Even Harry Potter had to wait. This book will incite such provocative discussions, especially if you are married or in a serious relationship.

Although I hate to pull from the book cover, I must: "Ian McEwan has caught with understanding and compassion the innocence of Edward and Florence at a time when marriage was presumed to be the outward sign of maturity and independence. On Chesil Beach is another masterwork from McEwan--a story of lives transformed by a gesture not made or a word not spoken."

In what ways are we more mature and independent than couples from the 60s? In what ways have we grown--independently or sexually--in the last 50 years? If we communicate--and keep all parts of our relationship open to discussion--does that make us more mature than previous generations? Does our generation's liberation and consequent loss of innocence make all of this maturity and independence possible?

I guarantee you will ask, and try to answer, these questions (and more) as you read about Edward and Florence, the 1960s, and how family, friends, and culture influence relationships.


A Parchment of Leaves, by Silas House

Although Silas and I grew up in London, Kentucky, 5 years apart in school, we didn't meet until last year. Okay, okay, last year we didn't technically meet, but Silas came to our school and spoke to our seniors about writing, character development, and story telling. He didn't just speak to an auditorium of 18 year olds; I was also a changed woman.

The first Silas House novel I read was Clay's Quilt. Our seniors must read a novel by a Kentucky author (Barbara Kingsolver is another option), and I knew my students would love Clay's Quilt. The story didn't disappoint. Clay is a teenager growing up in Kentucky, listening to Bob Dylan, experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and sex. By the end of the book, he has found so much more than Dylan and teenage experimentation.

But the book that follows, A Parchment of Leaves, offers even more. Silas House knows Kentucky and character development and those two elements make a beautiful picture in the reader's mind. This is the story of Saul Sullivan and his new bride Vine. Let me just be honest--this book is all about Vine (which is why I still can't force Parchment on Ben). Vine is a young Native American who leaves her family's home for true love and the book follows her through the first 5 years or so of her marriage.

Vine has the most amazing ability to learn life lessons from every experience. She recognizes her family's influence over her early in life, she learns how to be a good wife and daughter-in-law (even though she is taken away from her childhood home), she learns what it means to be a true friend, a strong woman, and a gentle mother to their young daughter Birdie. She never gives up or walks away from those responsibilities.

I do not want to reveal too much of the plot because I don't want to ruin the twists and turns that House created for the Sullivans. Please read this book and then we can talk details, life-changing characters, and your new favorite author.

Vine is, without exaggeration, the most amazing female character I have ever read. This is the most beautiful story I have read in my entire life. I will shamelessly promote this book for the rest of my life. You must read every word.

Factslingin'

Last night, the Minnesota Vikings defeated the Green Bay Packers by a score of 30-23. Ho hum. What's that? Brett Favre played? FOR THE VIKINGS??! How did I not know of this startling development?!

In all seriousness, I doubt there's any way anyone missed the sports media's collective Favregasm leading up to last night's game. And, much to my chagrin, Favre played well--271 yards on 24 of 31 attempts, for three touchdowns. Lost in the hype is the fact that Aaron Rodgers also played well--384 yards on 26 of 37 attempts, for two touchdowns and one interception. If Rodgers hadn't been sacked eight times, this could have been a different game.

Even so, the media ignores Rodgers while continuing to sing Favre's hosannas. As I returned to the office from lunch at home, I listened to Colin Cowherd's radio show. Now, it's probably my fault for expecting actual sports insight from a paid ESPN analyst. But, Colin blew my mind by attempting to argue that the Green Bay Packers would have been better off with Favre last year. He said the Packers "may not have been 13-3 [as they were in 2007], but they would have been better than 6-10." Because, as we all know, Favre is capable of playing every position on the field and/or willing his teammates to be better. He could have shored up the shaky offensive line the nation saw on display last night. He could have played both sides of the ball and made damn sure that the defense wasn't one of the worst in the NFL last year. He could have returned punts and punted. Oh, yes, I almost forgot--HE COULD NOT HAVE DONE ANY OF THAT. The only thing Favre could have done is play quarterback to the best of his ability--and the best of his ability was not that great in 2008. Aaron Rodgers had a markedly better 2008 than did Favre:

Rodgers: 4038 yards, 63.6% completion rate, 28 touchdowns, 13 interceptions, 93.8 passer rating, 207 yards rushing, 4 rushing touchdowns, 10 fumbles

Favre: 3472 yards, 65.7% completion rate, 22 touchdowns, 22 interceptions, 81.0 passer rating, 43 yards rushing, 1 rushing touchdown, 10 fumbles

In other words, Favre completed a higher percentage of his passes but in every other metric performed worse than Rodgers. In other words, you would have to be a willfully blind fool to state that the Packers would have been better off with Favre than with Rodgers in 2008. This is objectively true. And it is (somewhat less) objectively true that Favre out-gunslung Rodgers last night. But subjective platitudes from the Colin Cowherds and Jon Grudens of the world--"He's just like a kid out there!" "He just wins games!" "He makes his teammates better!"--obscure the fact that there may, just may, be more involved in a typical game of football than whether or not your quarterback is a grizzled beard-havin' truck-drivin' blue jean-wearin' land-workin' salt-of-the-earth flat-out by-God winner.

As usual, I don't really have a point and should probably have used the time and energy it took to write this in my actual job.

UPDATE 10/8/09: The Onion gets in on the fun, and in a much better manner than I could ever muster.

Chris Rock on Roman Polanski

Chris Rock appeared on the Jay Leno Show last night and, like many right-thinking people in this world, was aghast that anyone would try, based upon his artistic merit, to defend Roman Polanski's actions in drugging and raping a thirteen year old girl. This just about sums it right up: "Even Johnnie Cochran didn't have the nerve to say, 'Yeah, but did you see O.J. play against New England?'"

My First Book Review

Ben and I are avid readers. We've packed our bookshelves--and stacked our floors--with beloved novels, biographies, poetry and even textbooks from which we couldn't part. I read at work, I read during summer break, I read on vacation. I read with Ben, I read to Ben, I read the same book as Ben at the same time. I read what my friends suggest and just to be cool (or lame if you ask Ben), I read what my students suggest.

As most of you know, I teach 10th grade English. Although my syllabus is filled with many "boring" classics, I teach a few things to those 10th graders that we all find interesting and compelling. If you aren't big on reading, try out these simple short stories. One, they're short, and two, tenth graders understand them! If you are a book lover, these are beautifully written, interesting, powerful, and all the other adjectives we use to describe the stories we love.

1. "The Pit and the Pendulum" (Edgar Allen Poe)--If you can get through the first few pages, this is a horrific story of torture during The Spanish Inquisition. The setting actually becomes an intense character that the reader follows with morbid curiosity. In 3 years, my students have NEVER predicted the ending.

2. "Every Day Use" (Alice Walker)--You know Walker as the author of The Color Purple. It's all here, too--the African-American-speak, the clash of modern vs. traditional ways of living, and the strong black woman. The conflict finally reveals to the reader which character is the strongest and proudest of all.

3. "Distillation" (Hugo Martinez-Serros)--This short story is so touching. We hear the basic premise of "Distillation" in many religious parables: a mother offers her child comforting love, a father provides a protective love for his children that can withstand any torture. But "Distillation" is raw. "Distillation" is painful. "Distillation" is not just a child looking up to his father. In one moment this child comes to the full realization of a father's power and protection, and ultimately love and sacrifice. Our narrator is never the same.

An Open Letter to My Husband

Dear Husband,

In the last 5 (almost 6) years we've sent thousands and thousands of emails to one another. If you think about the last few years, you must agree that we've had some exciting moments to discuss within those emails. Think about all the fun dates we had in Birmingham, the concerts, the trips we took together...Remember when you killed that spider that was hanging out in my dorm bathtub, or the time you wrote your senior thesis the night before it was due?

We decided to get married, so I'm sure we emailed about that. We planned a honeymoon, moved in together, hosted fun parties for our friends, and picked up another dog. Remember when I almost died? Our favorite teams won ballgames--and we were there to celebrate together.

I haven't even mentioned all the craziness that goes on at work. Remember when, while writing a fishing report one week, I forgot a decimal point in the water temperature and Tom cussed me out? What about when we got the news that McBrayer wanted to hire you? Or, when that student 2 years ago found my cell phone number and proceeded to call me 100 times a day? Or when you found me sprawled on the kitchen floor, crying that I would never pass KTIP?

Our time together is fun, exciting, and sometimes dramatic. The next day, an email is always necessary to recount the experience. But in my email memory (yes, there is such a thing), I've never seen you use a single exclamation point until you created "Hypothetical Hundreds."

Snap out of it!

Love, Lynn

Hypothetical Hundreds: Week 1 Results and Week 2 Picks

I went 8 of 16 last week and thus have neither won nor lost money. Going into the Monday Night Football games, I was 8 of 14 and confident I would be making it 10 of 16 shortly. That doubleheader sums up why one probably ought not bet on the NFL. New England vs. Buffalo and San Diego vs. Oakland. Two teams many experts have picked to be in the Super Bowl versus two Pan American Flight 103s of sports teams. Two double-digit spreads. Two thrilling and, importantly, single digit wins for the favorite. Two losses for your humble pseudowagerer.

Anyway, that was Week 1! This is Week 2, wherein I become a handicapping savant and go 16 of 16! And then, Patrick Swayze will rise from the dead to simultaneously dance his way into the heart of a spoiled yet good-hearted rich girl while scandalizing polite society with his angsty yet carefree manner and involvement in an abortion scandal! Neither are very likely, you see! Onto the picks!

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-3) over Oakland Raiders
Houston Texans (+7) over TENNESSEE TITANS
New England Patriots (-4) over NEW YORK JETS
GREEN BAY PACKERS (-9) over Cincinnati Bengals
Minnesota Vikings (-10) over DETROIT LIONS
New Orleans Saints (even) over PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
ATLANTA FALCONS (-6) over Carolina Panthers
St. Louis Rams (+10) over WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Arizona Cardinals (+3) over JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
Seattle Seahawks (+1.5) over SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
BUFFALO BILLS (-5) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Pittsburgh Steelers (-3) over CHICAGO BEARS
New York Giants (+3) over DALLAS COWBOYS
Indianapolis Colts (-3.5) over MIAMI DOLPHINS

2009 RECORD: 8-8
BANKROLL: $1,600

John Dalton, 1952-2009

John Dalton, American philosopher and bouncer, passed away yesterday following a two-year battle with pancreatic cancer. Dalton received a Bachelor of Arts degree in Philosophy from New York University in 1974. Dalton's stoic manner won him fame in the international bouncer community such that bar owners would actively recruit him to act as a "cooler" in their establishments. Even an incident in a Memphis nightclub, in which Dalton allegedly ripped out a violent patron's throat, could not damage his sterling reputation. His guiding principle, "be nice until it's time to not be nice," won him many friends and, unfortunately, no few enemies. Dalton is perhaps best known as the author of the critically lauded treatise Man's Search for Faith: That Sort of Shit, and as the bouncer who cleaned up the Double Deuce, an infamous roadhouse in Jasper, Missouri, and in the process removed the town from gangster Brad Wesley's stranglehold.

Dalton's last words were reportedly "pain don't hurt," uttered to reassure Dr. Elizabeth Clay, his surviving wife, and the shimmering ghost of Sam Elliot that he was not suffering. In lieu of flowers, donations should be made to the Riverside Shirtless Tai Chi Foundation.

Hypothetical Hundreds: Let the Great Experiment Begin!

Our long national nightmare is over. Football is back on television. I love football so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant. During last years NFL playoffs, rather than actually place bets on NFL games like a real man, I decided to "hypothetically" wager "one hundred dollars" on each NFL game. I ended up going 9-2 for the playoffs. In other words, had I the stones to bet, I would have been $700 richer. Since that time, I have not grown a pair and will continue to make picks this way, with the money still in my pocket and my kneecaps intact. There are sixteen games this week, so I will start with a bankroll of $1,600. If you want to play at home, these games will always be against the spread published prior to the first game of the week on Bodog. Home team in ALL CAPS:

PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-6.5) over Tennessee Titans
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-7) over Jacksonville Jaguars
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-13) over Detroit Lions
Philadelphia Eagles (-2.5) over CAROLINA PANTHERS
Dallas Cowboys (-6) over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
HOUSTON TEXANS (-5) over New York Jets
Kansas City Chiefs (+13.5) over BALTIMORE RAVENS
CINCINNATI BENGALS (-4) over Denver Broncos
Minnesota Vikings (-4.5) over CLEVELAND BROWNS
ATLANTA FALCONS (-4) over Miami Dolphins
Washington Redskins (+6.5) over NEW YORK GIANTS
ARIZONA CARDINALS (-6) over San Francisco 49ers
GREEN BAY PACKERS (-3.5) over Chicago Bears
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-8.5) over St. Louis Rams
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-11) over Buffalo Bills
San Diego Chargers (-9) over OAKLAND RAIDERS

I'll keep track of the wins and losses and let both of you readers know how it's going.

In unrelated news, Kentucky shut out Miami (OH) 42-0 this weekend. While that might not sound so great given that Miami is predicted to come in second to last in the MAC, I was pretty happy. Last year, we would have won that game, but would have trailed until the late third quarter and won 21-20 on a last second punt return.

Sank You?

Lynn and I ate at Malone's with her parents this evening following a big day of clean-up from Carrie's wedding. I'm sure Lynn will have much more to say about the big day, but this was written on the chopsticks Lynn got with her sushi. All sic'd:

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food With Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history. and cultural"

That's some good Engrish!

An Open Letter to Jill and Kevin

Dear Jill and Kevin,

Congratulations on your wedding and the commencement of your fifteen minutes of fame. I have been forwarded a link to your wedding dance at least five times in the past two days:



Each time, it was recommended to me as "genius" or "hilarious" and, to my surprise after watching it, not "ridiculous." It could just be me--I once was in a wedding wherein the DJ asked the members of the wedding party to "dance [their] asses off" on the way into the reception. I walked quickly to the bar, eyes on the floor. So, Jill and Kevin, maybe dancing while large groups of people are watching is just not my thing. In fact, I know it isn't--I told my wife that if she had suggested we do anything even remotely close to what you guys did, I would have to consider our entire relationship. "I'm about to marry someone who would consider dancing down the aisle on her wedding day? I THINK NOT! You, madam, are a FRAUD!"

But I digress. I want to say thank you for the grins you have provided me with. Not with your hilariously irreverent dancing (I can see the reactions of your assorted guests: "Whaa?! Dancing? To a famous R&B hit? At a WEDDING CEREMONY! It's too delightfully zany for words!" I also like to imagine one of your uncles, a snoot in a top hat, dropping his monocle in startled surprise, clutching at the lapel of his double-breasted tuxedo and shouting "Well, I never!", one of your aunts coming down with a case of the vapors, and Jill's father, who looks suspiciously like Jerry Orbach, shedding a single tear, finally letting his daughter go and "getting down" with that newfangled music the kids are listening to these days), but for your decision to do so while accompanied by the strains of "Forever" by CHRIS EFFIN BROWN! Yes, that Chris Brown, noted pugilist and women's rights activist. And my wife thought "God Only Knows" would be an inappropriate wedding song. I guess she was right--nothing says true love forever like dancing to a song by a notorious lady beater.

So, thanks again, guys. And Jill--remember to check your tone. Kevin keeps it real.

Your friend,
Ben

Good Night, Sweet Prince

Don't Stop 'Till You Get Enough
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He made Thriller, man. Thriller.

The Honeymoon is Over

Up to this week, the Kentucky-Calipari union had been going swimmingly. Top recruits--the two best point guards and two of the beset centers in the nation, among others--committed to UK left and right. Patrick Patterson decided to return for his junior year, guaranteeing a dominant front court next season. And it seemed our new coach actually enjoyed speaking in front of people. To the average Kentucky fan, Calipari could do no wrong.

Then this week happened. First, a minor hiccup--Cal didn't meet with a walk-on player, Landon Slone, before Slone decided to transfer. Slone was one of the only players on the team last year who was actually from Kentucky, and, I believe, was the only white player from Kentucky, other than Jared Carter, and definintely the only player from Eastern Kentucky. Thus, he was a bit of a fan favorite. Last summer, the word coming out of practice was he could shoot the lights out and would be seeing some playing time. That turned out to be half true--he played, but didn't contribute much. When Cal arrived, he made it very clear that he would let players know if they would play in his system. Any one with any sense at all could have told Slone wouldn't see the light of day next year.

Either way, this non-meeting set off the first negativity about Cal I have heard from the UK fan base. But, after last night's reports, I'm sure it won't be the last. It seems that a former Memphis player engaged in fraudulent activity during an SAT test and a person accompanying this player received over $2,000.00 in free travel. Given the dates and other circumstances contained in the report, it is clear that this player was Derrick Rose. The result may be the vacating of the wins from Memphis' landmark 38 win season in 2007-2008. This would include vacating Memphis' trip to the Final Four.

The report does not name Cal and the NCAA has cleared him of all responsibility. Further, UK knew about this investigation and, when checking into Cal's record, received the green light from the NCAA*. The problem is, an eerily similar thing occurred at UMASS--Marcus Camby received money and hookers from an agent while he played there, resulting in the vacating of wins and a Final Four. I can understand this happening once. But as the great poet Great White once said, "Once bitten, twice shy, babay!" This makes me worry that one of two things is true. Either Cal is an idiot who has no idea what goes on around his program on a daily basis--which we know, given how hands on he has been at every level in every other matter, isn't true--or, he is trying to be cagey and purposefully turns a blind eye to this type of behavior. Willful ignorance may not be an excuse in the law, but it apparently is to the NCAA. Either way, not good.

An e-mail subject line from a friend of mine who is a Louisville fan sums up the way the rest of the college basketball community is probably feeling right now: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH." Damn. But, then again, we'll see who has the last laugh come basketball season. And then we'll see how long those wins are allowed to stand.

*EDIT: Pat Forde of ESPN.com says that the NCAA did not green light this hire--that they refused to comment and sent Lee Todd and Mitch Barnhart back to Calipari for more information, who presumably filled them in on the investigation. This tidbit is the only good, solid piece of information I could get from an otherwise trite and hacky article. Pat, if you want to be hard-hitting, why not print everyone's side in the Karen Sypher/Rick Pitino mess? Towing the party line there while bashing Cal here makes you look like more of a homer than Bill Simmons.

*EDIT 2: Memphis filed an almost seventy page letter in response to the NCAA's report, which in sum said that no one at the University, let alone Cal, had any idea Derrick Rose had cheated on his SAT.

Well, I Do Declayuh!

Just hook it into my veins!

"It is believed every SEC football game this season — non-conference and conference — will be broadcast on TV."

--Birmingham News

Lying

I was fooling around on The Onion while I should have been summarizing medical documents when I came across an old chestnut entitled "Zing! I Just Got You With Another One of My Trademark 'Complete Lies'". It's about a guy who thinks it's funny to make stuff up and tell it to people like it's the truth for his personal amusement. That makes me laugh, mainly because I do something similar: I think it's funny to make stuff up and tell it to people like it's the truth for my personal amusement. I've never been as malicious as ol' Philip Wynegar--I've never told the office's janitors that they're getting a huge raise, for example--but here are a few of my favorites.

1. One day while heading into the Caf at Samford, for some reason I decided to tell our whole table that I had just read online that Bono had pledged to buy everyone in Africa an iPod. Like many celebrities, Bono enjoys hollow, empty gestures but disdains doing something that would actually help, so this sounded plausible. People thought I was serious. Then got seriously pissed at Bono.

2. At UK home basketball games, as at many sporting events, groups of people throw t-shirts into the crowd during time-outs. At UK, they are from Qdoba, and the t-shirts are wrapped tightly in tin foil. I used to tell Lynn that they were throwing burritos. I forgot all about that until one game when Lynn asked me, "Doesn't it seem like one of those burritos would eventually burst open and make a huge mess?"

3. Every time the song "The First Cut is the Deepest" comes on, I tell Lynn that it's about losing one's virginity. Okay, that's not a lie--I really do think that's what that song is about, but Lynn vehemently disagrees.

4. This is a lie, though--I've told many people that John Cougar Mellencamp wrote the song "Hurts So Good" about his love of, uh, allowing a lady friend access to the backdoor, if you catch my drift. Wink wink nudge nudge, say no more.

I can't think of any other specific examples but I would guess I do it at least once a day. It doesn't really translate at work.

Quote of the Day:

"I'm sure Shakespeare was hilarious back then, but today he sure is confusing."

~Aspen, 18

I, For One, Welcome our New Italian Overlord

What a Day

Billy Gillispie's tenure as head coach of the University of Kentucky has officially ended. I typed about five paragraphs of commentary while listening to the official press conference. I read back through it, though, and it wasn't much more than "ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!1! this sux!!1 he needs moar time! but he's a dick! ARGH" So I deleted it. Maybe I'll have some more coherent thoughts later.

Two quick notes: I've had it with "passionate" as a euphemism for "insane" in reference to the Kentucky fan base. People in the national media need to just come out and say "Kentucky has the most retarded, overpriviliged fans in the nation." Sad to say, that would be much more truthful than labeling us passionate. Second, if we hire Travis Ford--who has a reputation of being just as big of a prick as Gillispie--I will, like Andy Bernard when his staple is encased in Jello, lose my freakin mind and start kicking trash cans across my office.

American Idol is "for the birds"! ZING!

Lynn loves American Idol so much that she gets mad at me when I make fun of it. Even she found Megan's performance this week a bit ridiculous. And by "a bit," I mean "extremely."

Megan, the be-tatted single mother from Utah, decided to sing "Rockin' Robin" during Michael Jackson night (technically, he did sing it, but really, Megan, that's the song you pick on Michael Jackson night?). Her red dress matched the song quite well, as did her ad-libbed coda. Take a look at this (the money moment is at about 3:12 if you don't want to wade through the bland):



In case you're at work, here's a quick transcript:

Megan: "...oh rockin' robin well you really gonna rock toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! Caw! Caw!"

That's right. Caw. Lynn and I both about fell in the floor laughing. I've watched it fifteen times in the last ten minutes and it never gets old.

Not surprisingly, given how most of the judges treat the contestants with kid gloves, none of the judges took a shot at her for this, despite it being almost as ridiculous as some of the antics the early-season rejects pull. Kara Dioguardi's comment should have been, "I hope that you do some things in the future that show some falsetto, show some range, AND MAKE FEWER EFFIN BIRD NOISES!"

Or maybe she was calling Simon out for being a chicken, Arrested Development style:



She'd fit right in.

I'll Be Honest...

...I'm only trying to put Kent and Dana's recent post to shame. Just kidding--I've actually wanted to put these pictures up for a long time.

Ben was sent home from work at 11:00 a.m. Our heat froze up and then our power went out. Once I packed up our fridge, our clothes and our dogs, we headed to my sister's one bedroom apartment. The only reason we survived the Ice Storm of '09 is because of Carrie, but I have to admit it was really hard being "iced in"--with 3 people and 3 dogs--for 6 days. Yes, we were out of power for 6 days!

I know many people had it much harder, so I won't complain too much! Here is what we saw when we finally went back to our neighborhood:


We were sure this tree was going to take down our apartment. Both the tree and the deck are back to normal.

Richmond Road...although 3 or 4 inches of snow is on the ground, the trees and power lines are coated in a thick layer of ice and snow.

Everything was coated in a thick layer of ice. I wish I were a better photographer so you could see how thick the ice was on street signs, chain link fences, power lines.

Beautiful!

Although snow in March is not uncommon in Kentucky, hopefully the warm weather is here to stay!

America's Newest Hit-Maker

I saw this on the AV Club a few minutes ago, and it sounds interesting. I haven't done it yet, so the results will be revealed LIVE! on this very blog. Here are the instructions:

New meme: here's a totally random way to make your new random band's new random album cover. Post one! Go to “Wikipedia.” Hit “random” and the first article you get is the name of your band. Then go to “Random Quotations” and the last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album. Then, go to Flickr and click on “Explore the Last Seven Days” and the third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

The results:


Wow. That's sure to go platinum.

This is Lynn's new band:


They'll be headlining the Lilith Fair this summer.

American Idol: Public Policy Edition

Ryan Seacrest: It’s Hollywood night here on American Idol! We’ve got the best and the brightest here with us, ready to make this country a better place! Everyone, take a look at Simon—look at that sweater. Simon, did you beat up a lady in the petite section at Macy’s to get that sweater?

Simon Cowell: Very funny. Nice haircut, nancy.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Simon: What? He looks like quite the gay!

Ryan: Alright, settle down everyone. Settle down. Simon kids because he loves—and, by the way, Simon, it takes one to know one.



(Paula Abdul laughs and falls from her chair)

(Kara DioGuardi neither adds nor detracts from the exchange)

Randy Jackson: Aw, naw, dog! Simon, word word word! Simon. Si-MON. You gonna take that nonsense!

Ryan: Alright, let’s move on before Randy runs out of ways to emphasize different syllables in someone's name. Please welcome our first contestant, Jim Richards, C.E.O. of Countrywide Mortgage!

Jim: Thank you, thank you all, what UP! Anyway, here’s the deal: how many of you want a badass house looking like it came straight outta Cribs? Huh? I heard that! But. How many of you don’t really have much saved up for a down payment? No problemo, friends! We’ve developed loans where you don’t need a down payment! And, being the nice guy that I am, I’ll let you pay ONLY interest! For as long as you want! And your home will only go UP in value! What could possibly go wrong?!

(Crowd cheers ecstatically)

Ryan: Judges?

Randy: Aight aight aight! Jimmy Rich, Ji-mmy RICH, check it out, baby, check it out! First off, way to bring the HEAT and the NOISE baby! You’re trying to shake things up, and I like it! You need to work on your slang though, dog. “No problemo”? That’s not how the kids talk on the STREETS, baby! Otherwise, I loved it. You’re going a long way.

Kara: I love your look. Navy blue suit, tasteful white pinstripes, power tie. That screams, “I know more than you do about this, so just go along with it!” Very nice! Paula?



Paula: Welljim, youknow, astound gratomee! Canoo gimme gardtower to shoo off suicide fans? And a panic room for whena pills wear off?

Jim: Sure! Panic rooms TRIPLE the value of your home!

(Crowd goes wild)

Randy: Uh-oh, here comes the buzzkill. Simon…

Simon: I’m going to be honest, Jim. I HATED it.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Randy: (Yelling over the crowd) Don’t listen to him, Jimmdogg!

Simon: Come on now, I’m the judge! This is what a judge is supposed to do! Anyway, how can you think that plan has any basis whatsoever in reality? You’re giving borrowers zero equity. You’re setting them, and your company, up for massive ruin!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ryan: Wow, that was harsh! But, it’s just Simon. No one listens to him. He’s a negative jerkoff. Well, let’s bring up our next contestant. Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense!

Donald Rumsfeld: Thank you, Ryan. As you may know, terrorists HATE America. Most terrorists are Muslims. There are bunches—bunches!—of Muslims in Iraq. Ipso facto, let’s invade Iraq. We’d only need to send, like, a hundred thousand troops. Baghdad will fall in a week or so, then it’s smoooooooooth sailing from there!

(Crowd eats it up)

Ryan: Judges?

Randy: Do-NNY Boy! I’d call you Rummy, but that’s what we call Paula! (High fives Paula, who falls over, giggling). Aight, seriously though, seriously. Check this out, baby. Check this out. I liked it, Donald. Nothing flashy—just laying it all out there. Can’t see anything wrong with your logic. And, dog, if you can get Paula dancing, you know you’re doing something right!

Donald: Actually, I think she might be having a seizure.

Ryan: Don’t worry about it. Simon?

Simon: Donald. As usual, I have to disagree with Randy. It was HORR-ible.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Randy: (Yelling) How you like that, Simon?!? YOU’RE NOT BELOVED BY A LARGE CROWD OF TEENAGERS!

Simon: Come now! We can’t have this outburst from you lot every time I say something negative in the slightest! Anyway. Where did you get that figger from? One hundred thousand? Didn’t we talk about this during your auditions? Didn’t we say we need something closer to a half million for any form of extended occupation and to fight what’s sure to be a fierce resistance movement? I thought you were going to work on this! And, I HATE the militry jacket. Those patches. They’re quite ostentatious.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ryan: Oooooooo-KAY, the crowd hates Simon. What else is new--he’s an asshole! If you like Donald, be sure to text the number 2 to 45308.

(Donald makes faces at the camera while holding up two fingers in different and zany ways)

Top Fives

Kent Jackson recently made a post on Top 5 Fringe Seinfeld Characters over on his and Dana’s blog. I actually lost sleep trying to put together my top 5, and I’m not entirely satisfied with it. I liked the idea so much that I’m going to steal it and start my own list: Top 5 Movies Wholly or Partially About the 1970s. Here’s mine:

1) Boogie Nights
2) Casino
3) Dazed and Confused
4) Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
5) Blow

Not a great list, but maybe it’ll get some discussion going. Lynn, Kent and Dana—a.k.a. the only three people who read this—leave yours in the comments

Hypothetical Hundreds: BRUUUUUUUUUCE! Edition

The Super Bowl Halftime Show featuring Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band is nearly upon us. For years, I’ve enjoyed trying to pick the songs played during the show. I started off humbly with the not very bold assertion that Paul McCartney would close with Hey Jude. Nailed it! Last year, I tried to take bets on Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (somehow finding no takers) and totally called his entire set list, in order—American Girl, I Won’t Back Down, Free Fallin’, Runnin’ Down a Dream (typing that made me realize that Tom Petty is a big fan of elision and superfluous apostrophes; Cormac McCarthy would be unimpressed with all that extra punctuation). The Boss, however, has been a tough nut to crack. Will he go obvious or take the Prince route and play almost nothing you would expect? Here’s my best guess:

1) Born in the USA
2) Radio Nowhere
3) Glory Days
4) Born to Run

I think the only sure thing is Born in the USA. The real issue, though, is this: opener or closer? Its anthemic stomp seems more suited to beginnings, while the hurried squall of Born to Run seems a more fitting note on which The Boss can go careening into the Tampa night.

Oh, there’s a football game involved somehow, too. No one seems to think the Arizona Cardinals, generally regarded as a pass-first team, have any chance against the Pittsburgh Steelers, specifically against the Steelers’ league-leading (during the regular season) pass defense. On the other hand, the Cardinals have been quick to go to the run in the post-season, a fact that probably caught the Falcons, Panthers and Eagles off guard. Pittsburgh has had two weeks to prepare for this, but their offense seems to have been improvised for the last couple games. I’m very tempted to go against the grain and take the Cardinals at +7, based on their stouter-than-expected defense, embrace of the run and renaissance of Kurt Warner. So I think I will. Go Cards!

Lynn's 25

I was tagged by Dana to make a list of 25 random things about myself. According to Ben, I'm a very strange individual. This should be interesting, so here goes:

1. I've always wanted to be tagged to do something like this. Seriously, I'm never asked to participate in any "tag" games on Facebook or the blog.

2. I rarely have time to make the bed before I leave for work in the morning, but I always make the bed right before I go to sleep at night. I straighten the fitted sheet, tuck in the straight sheet, fluff the duvet, and turn down all the covers. I get visibly upset if Ben or the dog lays down before I've made the bed. Ben thinks this is the weirdest thing I do.

3. A few years ago, I worked in the sports department of a pretty big newspaper. Three days a week I was insanely busy and often worked overtime; the other two days I sat at my computer emailing, looking up recipes, working crossword puzzles, or reading books and newspapers. The strange thing is, I complained about this incessantly. What the hell was I thinking?

4. Now I'm a teacher. I occasionally email or look up a recipe. I cannot remember the last time I worked a crossword puzzle, read anything besides a school newspaper, or finished a book for fun.

5. I do love to read books, watch movies, and listen to music. I think about themes, messages, and lyrics more than most people. I always put myself in the place of the character, role, or speaker; this usually makes me emotional.

6. Did I mention I'm very emotional? I sobbed walking down the aisle at my wedding, even though I'd already seen Ben. I once cried at the end of a movie I'd been watching for 5 minutes [ed. note: this movie was Just Like Heaven. Ugh.] I'm especially prone to cry when I'm very stressed, very tired, or very happy.

7. I love television. I'm drawn to reality shows, teen programming, award shows, reruns...I'm obsessed. My favorite time of the year is when I have a television show for every night of the week.

8. I'm also obsessed with my dog. I never thought I could become that person. My sister gave me my dog, Rupp, when I was lonely after my move to Lexington. He is still so cute and snuggly. When I don't feel good, Rupp mopes around the house too. He is smart and sympathetic. Although I admit this is weird, I'm comforted that so many people behave in the same manner.

9. Rupp and I have only had one fight: when I neutered him. Poor guy.

10. I was also obsessed with my husband. I thought he was absolutely perfect for years. I don't think that way anymore; I just think he is perfect for me.

11. One of my favorite things about Ben is his vocabulary.

12. I love love love my college friends. My kids at school think my life is so tame...if they only knew of my past life!

13. I don't always like Seinfeld. This baffles Ben. I don't always like Days of our Lives. This baffles Dana.

14. I love to cook dinner every night. I devote more hours to our dinner than I do to grading papers or planning lessons at home.

15. Ben and I go out to eat one or two times a week. Unless it's a special occasion, we always go to the same Mexican restaurant.

16. My mom, sister, and I planned my wedding in 4 months. We should go to the Olympics or something.

17. I have a pretty vivid imagination. I credit my mother with this. She used to make my sister and I play all alone--Barbies, dolls, dress up...we rarely watched television on weeknights and I didn't have IM or email until college. I think it is sad when my kids at school talk about spending their lives in front of the TV, Myspace, or Facebook.

18. With that, I have a small internet addiction.

19. When I'm stressed out with school or worried about one/a group of students, I dream about it. Once the school year starts, I worry more and dream about my students all the time.

20. I cannot stand styrofoam; I don't want to hear the pieces rub together. This means I can't take objects out of large boxes and I can't carry home leftovers from restuarants.

21. I'm always sick. I don't mean that I'm a hypochondriac, but I have a very weak immune system and pick up every little bug that goes around my school. My allergies escalate this problem. Carrie, Mom and Ben make fun of me for being so sickly, but I really can't help it.

22. This is just one of the parts of life I complain about. I complain about sickness, chores, work, and the temperature. I would love to change this part of myself...

23. When something is going wrong, I try to blame somebody else. Even if it is my fault. Carrie, Ben and my students are usually the recipients. Is this a coping mechanism for a perfectionist?

24. I have a love-hate relationship with snow days. When winter hits Kentucky, I desperately pray for them; when summer finally comes, I wish I hadn't prayed so hard.

25. I love a glass of wine in the evening, but my favorite drink has to be the bloody mary at Keeneland!

I'm tagging Ben, because no one else reads this blog!

Hypothetical Hundreds: Special Northern Kentucky Edition

James Bricken and I are currently stuck in a hotel lobby in Covington, Kentucky, watching the first NBA game I've watched this season. Long story. We were up here for a New Lawyers Seminar, a.k.a. The Biggest Gathering of Douchebags in the State, a.k.a. Why the Terrorists Hate Us. Or so I thought before we came. We actually had a decent time, got to catch up with some old law school pals, and, of course, gambled like degenerates. On a whim, about ten of us ended up at the Argosy Casino in southern Indiana (where, apparently, they only sell warm beer in the gas stations; turned out to be a blessing in disguise). I ended up winning about $100 playing blackjack. Big time stuff!

The casino got me in the gambling mood, and I realized I hadn't made my NFL picks for the week. I've been dominant in the playoffs this year, missing only one pick. Sure, I got very lucky in that Titans-Ravens game last weekend, but I'll take it where I can get it. Anyway, here are the picks (home team in caps):

1. ARIZONA CARDINALS (+4) over Philadelphia Eagles
2. Baltimore Ravens (+6) over PITTSBURGH STEELERS

There you have it. Scientific facts.

CURRENT RECORD: 7-1

WTF, Tilly

The list of things Tilly has demolished since she began to "play"

A jar of moisturizer
An entire bottle of Cumin
My Calphalon pot holder
My favorite Calvin Klein flats*
A roll of grosgrain ribbon
An entire roll of wrapping paper
Two TV remotes
One Wii remote

I'm beginning to have terrible visions of Tilly chewing her way through my favorite things; furniture, books, wedding pictures. Seriously, what's next?









*I originally thought these were salvageable when Ben called to tell me Tilly chewed off "some of the leather" on the CK flats. I suggested covering up the "some" with black shoe polish. Ben's response: "I think our definition of 'some' might be different." Sure enough, Tilly had ripped huge strips of leather from the once-amazing shoe. I mean, these shoes went from black leather to white-cloth lining. I buried them last night.

Hypothetical Hundreds: C.R.E.A.M.

The divisional round of the NFL playoffs ended today and I'm proud to report that I correctly called every game. I started the weekend with (an imaginary) $700, and ended it with $1,100. Not too shabby! Take that, experts!

Hypothetical Hundreds

In my quest to be the best attorney in Lexington, if not the state of Kentucky, I read about ten sports blogs on a daily basis while at work. During the NFL season, most of them dedicate at least one column a week to betting the games. On Kissing Suzy Kolber, it’s called “Always Be Covering.” Bill Simmons and his wife pick games against the spread each week and keep a running tally—the joke being that his wife, knowing nothing about the NFL, does about the same as does Simmons, whose job it is to know about sports.

Reading these gambling missives, I’m always tempted by the thought, “Pfft, what a bunch of idiots. I could kill this. I could be Ghostface!”

LOOK AT ALL THAT MONEY AND THAT ASIAN CHICK OMG AND THAT CRAZY RING IT COULD ALL BE MINE HAHA THANKS NFL SUCKERS!...which is a dangerous road to go down without knowing if you could actually do it against a fickle point spread. So, last week, during the NFL Wild Card weekend, I decided to start keeping track, betting a fictional $100 per game, to see if I really had what it took to be the next Sam Rothstein. Here are my picks (home teams in caps)

1. Arizona Cardinals (+2) over ATLANTA FALCONS
2. Indianapolis Colts (-1) over SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
3. Baltimore Ravens (-3.5) over MIAMI DOLPHINS
4. Philadelphia Eagles (-3) over MINNESOTA VIKINGS

I probably violated every known gambling rule in the universe in making those picks. I can spot one right now—I bet against every home team and every divisional champ. But you know what? I came out 3-1. $400 wagered, $300 plus the three bets coming back, and just like that, I’ve got (an imaginary) $600! Add to that another $100 from the Florida/Oklahoma game, and I’ve almost doubled up in a week.

Here are the picks for this weekend’s divisional match-ups:

1. Baltimore Ravens (+3) over TENNESSEE TITANS
2. Arizona Cardinals (+10) over CAROLINA PANTHERS
3. PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-6) over SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
4. Philadelphia Eagles (+4) over NEW YORK GIANTS

Some bold picks there, if I do say so myself. No one likes Arizona on the road—with reason. But ten points is so tempting, and last week, Arizona manhandled the power run of Atlanta and have a power run to deal with in Carolina's offense. Well, I guess it’s one bold pick—the rest could go either way. But, then again, can't they all?

CURRENT RECORD

4-1

Tilly!

We love Tilly, the beautiful chocolate lab we adopted in July. When she first came to our home, she hid in corners, behind beds, and in the very back of her crate--every hiding place was an attempt to avoid affection. She couldn't do anything normally: walk, run, eat.

But since that time, Tilly really improved. She walks on a leash--or without a leash--outside, she runs on the golf course beside our house, and eats large amount of food. She's also comfortable enough to produce large shoestrings of drool in front of us. Although she's still a little nervous around company, the friends and family who frequently visit have definitely noticed an improvement.

Now, my Rupp loves to play. He plays fetch perfectly with the Kong or the Cuz. Sit, throw, return, repeat. Sometimes he'll mix it up by laying down for you. He's very impressive. He also loves soft toys. He latches on for dear life and falls asleep as he mimics a nursing kitten. Very adorable. We just couldn't get Tilly to play along; her instincts wouldn't kick in. Until now.

Well, Tilly learned to play. I'm just concerned about the things she wants to play with. Her first toy was a bottle of moisturizer. She unscrewed the lid, licked the contents clean, and chewed on the packaging until her gums bled. The other day, Tilly went after a container of Cumin. Yes, you read correctly. Silly Tilly must have been after the smell, because after she opened it up and poured it all over the living room floor, she didn't try any of the seasoning. She did destroy the plastic bottle. Today, Ben just informed me that Tilly tore apart my Calphalon pot holder.

I don't even know how to conclude this post. Suggestions? Even weirder pet stories? I doubt that's possible!

Update

The Grinch returned my ornaments!