Factslingin'

Last night, the Minnesota Vikings defeated the Green Bay Packers by a score of 30-23. Ho hum. What's that? Brett Favre played? FOR THE VIKINGS??! How did I not know of this startling development?!

In all seriousness, I doubt there's any way anyone missed the sports media's collective Favregasm leading up to last night's game. And, much to my chagrin, Favre played well--271 yards on 24 of 31 attempts, for three touchdowns. Lost in the hype is the fact that Aaron Rodgers also played well--384 yards on 26 of 37 attempts, for two touchdowns and one interception. If Rodgers hadn't been sacked eight times, this could have been a different game.

Even so, the media ignores Rodgers while continuing to sing Favre's hosannas. As I returned to the office from lunch at home, I listened to Colin Cowherd's radio show. Now, it's probably my fault for expecting actual sports insight from a paid ESPN analyst. But, Colin blew my mind by attempting to argue that the Green Bay Packers would have been better off with Favre last year. He said the Packers "may not have been 13-3 [as they were in 2007], but they would have been better than 6-10." Because, as we all know, Favre is capable of playing every position on the field and/or willing his teammates to be better. He could have shored up the shaky offensive line the nation saw on display last night. He could have played both sides of the ball and made damn sure that the defense wasn't one of the worst in the NFL last year. He could have returned punts and punted. Oh, yes, I almost forgot--HE COULD NOT HAVE DONE ANY OF THAT. The only thing Favre could have done is play quarterback to the best of his ability--and the best of his ability was not that great in 2008. Aaron Rodgers had a markedly better 2008 than did Favre:

Rodgers: 4038 yards, 63.6% completion rate, 28 touchdowns, 13 interceptions, 93.8 passer rating, 207 yards rushing, 4 rushing touchdowns, 10 fumbles

Favre: 3472 yards, 65.7% completion rate, 22 touchdowns, 22 interceptions, 81.0 passer rating, 43 yards rushing, 1 rushing touchdown, 10 fumbles

In other words, Favre completed a higher percentage of his passes but in every other metric performed worse than Rodgers. In other words, you would have to be a willfully blind fool to state that the Packers would have been better off with Favre than with Rodgers in 2008. This is objectively true. And it is (somewhat less) objectively true that Favre out-gunslung Rodgers last night. But subjective platitudes from the Colin Cowherds and Jon Grudens of the world--"He's just like a kid out there!" "He just wins games!" "He makes his teammates better!"--obscure the fact that there may, just may, be more involved in a typical game of football than whether or not your quarterback is a grizzled beard-havin' truck-drivin' blue jean-wearin' land-workin' salt-of-the-earth flat-out by-God winner.

As usual, I don't really have a point and should probably have used the time and energy it took to write this in my actual job.

UPDATE 10/8/09: The Onion gets in on the fun, and in a much better manner than I could ever muster.

Chris Rock on Roman Polanski

Chris Rock appeared on the Jay Leno Show last night and, like many right-thinking people in this world, was aghast that anyone would try, based upon his artistic merit, to defend Roman Polanski's actions in drugging and raping a thirteen year old girl. This just about sums it right up: "Even Johnnie Cochran didn't have the nerve to say, 'Yeah, but did you see O.J. play against New England?'"

My First Book Review

Ben and I are avid readers. We've packed our bookshelves--and stacked our floors--with beloved novels, biographies, poetry and even textbooks from which we couldn't part. I read at work, I read during summer break, I read on vacation. I read with Ben, I read to Ben, I read the same book as Ben at the same time. I read what my friends suggest and just to be cool (or lame if you ask Ben), I read what my students suggest.

As most of you know, I teach 10th grade English. Although my syllabus is filled with many "boring" classics, I teach a few things to those 10th graders that we all find interesting and compelling. If you aren't big on reading, try out these simple short stories. One, they're short, and two, tenth graders understand them! If you are a book lover, these are beautifully written, interesting, powerful, and all the other adjectives we use to describe the stories we love.

1. "The Pit and the Pendulum" (Edgar Allen Poe)--If you can get through the first few pages, this is a horrific story of torture during The Spanish Inquisition. The setting actually becomes an intense character that the reader follows with morbid curiosity. In 3 years, my students have NEVER predicted the ending.

2. "Every Day Use" (Alice Walker)--You know Walker as the author of The Color Purple. It's all here, too--the African-American-speak, the clash of modern vs. traditional ways of living, and the strong black woman. The conflict finally reveals to the reader which character is the strongest and proudest of all.

3. "Distillation" (Hugo Martinez-Serros)--This short story is so touching. We hear the basic premise of "Distillation" in many religious parables: a mother offers her child comforting love, a father provides a protective love for his children that can withstand any torture. But "Distillation" is raw. "Distillation" is painful. "Distillation" is not just a child looking up to his father. In one moment this child comes to the full realization of a father's power and protection, and ultimately love and sacrifice. Our narrator is never the same.

An Open Letter to My Husband

Dear Husband,

In the last 5 (almost 6) years we've sent thousands and thousands of emails to one another. If you think about the last few years, you must agree that we've had some exciting moments to discuss within those emails. Think about all the fun dates we had in Birmingham, the concerts, the trips we took together...Remember when you killed that spider that was hanging out in my dorm bathtub, or the time you wrote your senior thesis the night before it was due?

We decided to get married, so I'm sure we emailed about that. We planned a honeymoon, moved in together, hosted fun parties for our friends, and picked up another dog. Remember when I almost died? Our favorite teams won ballgames--and we were there to celebrate together.

I haven't even mentioned all the craziness that goes on at work. Remember when, while writing a fishing report one week, I forgot a decimal point in the water temperature and Tom cussed me out? What about when we got the news that McBrayer wanted to hire you? Or, when that student 2 years ago found my cell phone number and proceeded to call me 100 times a day? Or when you found me sprawled on the kitchen floor, crying that I would never pass KTIP?

Our time together is fun, exciting, and sometimes dramatic. The next day, an email is always necessary to recount the experience. But in my email memory (yes, there is such a thing), I've never seen you use a single exclamation point until you created "Hypothetical Hundreds."

Snap out of it!

Love, Lynn

Hypothetical Hundreds: Week 1 Results and Week 2 Picks

I went 8 of 16 last week and thus have neither won nor lost money. Going into the Monday Night Football games, I was 8 of 14 and confident I would be making it 10 of 16 shortly. That doubleheader sums up why one probably ought not bet on the NFL. New England vs. Buffalo and San Diego vs. Oakland. Two teams many experts have picked to be in the Super Bowl versus two Pan American Flight 103s of sports teams. Two double-digit spreads. Two thrilling and, importantly, single digit wins for the favorite. Two losses for your humble pseudowagerer.

Anyway, that was Week 1! This is Week 2, wherein I become a handicapping savant and go 16 of 16! And then, Patrick Swayze will rise from the dead to simultaneously dance his way into the heart of a spoiled yet good-hearted rich girl while scandalizing polite society with his angsty yet carefree manner and involvement in an abortion scandal! Neither are very likely, you see! Onto the picks!

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-3) over Oakland Raiders
Houston Texans (+7) over TENNESSEE TITANS
New England Patriots (-4) over NEW YORK JETS
GREEN BAY PACKERS (-9) over Cincinnati Bengals
Minnesota Vikings (-10) over DETROIT LIONS
New Orleans Saints (even) over PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
ATLANTA FALCONS (-6) over Carolina Panthers
St. Louis Rams (+10) over WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Arizona Cardinals (+3) over JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
Seattle Seahawks (+1.5) over SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
BUFFALO BILLS (-5) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Pittsburgh Steelers (-3) over CHICAGO BEARS
New York Giants (+3) over DALLAS COWBOYS
Indianapolis Colts (-3.5) over MIAMI DOLPHINS

2009 RECORD: 8-8
BANKROLL: $1,600

John Dalton, 1952-2009

John Dalton, American philosopher and bouncer, passed away yesterday following a two-year battle with pancreatic cancer. Dalton received a Bachelor of Arts degree in Philosophy from New York University in 1974. Dalton's stoic manner won him fame in the international bouncer community such that bar owners would actively recruit him to act as a "cooler" in their establishments. Even an incident in a Memphis nightclub, in which Dalton allegedly ripped out a violent patron's throat, could not damage his sterling reputation. His guiding principle, "be nice until it's time to not be nice," won him many friends and, unfortunately, no few enemies. Dalton is perhaps best known as the author of the critically lauded treatise Man's Search for Faith: That Sort of Shit, and as the bouncer who cleaned up the Double Deuce, an infamous roadhouse in Jasper, Missouri, and in the process removed the town from gangster Brad Wesley's stranglehold.

Dalton's last words were reportedly "pain don't hurt," uttered to reassure Dr. Elizabeth Clay, his surviving wife, and the shimmering ghost of Sam Elliot that he was not suffering. In lieu of flowers, donations should be made to the Riverside Shirtless Tai Chi Foundation.

Hypothetical Hundreds: Let the Great Experiment Begin!

Our long national nightmare is over. Football is back on television. I love football so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant. During last years NFL playoffs, rather than actually place bets on NFL games like a real man, I decided to "hypothetically" wager "one hundred dollars" on each NFL game. I ended up going 9-2 for the playoffs. In other words, had I the stones to bet, I would have been $700 richer. Since that time, I have not grown a pair and will continue to make picks this way, with the money still in my pocket and my kneecaps intact. There are sixteen games this week, so I will start with a bankroll of $1,600. If you want to play at home, these games will always be against the spread published prior to the first game of the week on Bodog. Home team in ALL CAPS:

PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-6.5) over Tennessee Titans
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-7) over Jacksonville Jaguars
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-13) over Detroit Lions
Philadelphia Eagles (-2.5) over CAROLINA PANTHERS
Dallas Cowboys (-6) over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
HOUSTON TEXANS (-5) over New York Jets
Kansas City Chiefs (+13.5) over BALTIMORE RAVENS
CINCINNATI BENGALS (-4) over Denver Broncos
Minnesota Vikings (-4.5) over CLEVELAND BROWNS
ATLANTA FALCONS (-4) over Miami Dolphins
Washington Redskins (+6.5) over NEW YORK GIANTS
ARIZONA CARDINALS (-6) over San Francisco 49ers
GREEN BAY PACKERS (-3.5) over Chicago Bears
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-8.5) over St. Louis Rams
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-11) over Buffalo Bills
San Diego Chargers (-9) over OAKLAND RAIDERS

I'll keep track of the wins and losses and let both of you readers know how it's going.

In unrelated news, Kentucky shut out Miami (OH) 42-0 this weekend. While that might not sound so great given that Miami is predicted to come in second to last in the MAC, I was pretty happy. Last year, we would have won that game, but would have trailed until the late third quarter and won 21-20 on a last second punt return.